Ask a Therapist: How Can I Navigate My Relationship With My Emotionally Immature Parent(s) Without Cutting Them Out Completely?
If you’re navigating a relationship with an emotionally immature parent, you know just how tough it can be.
This dynamic often involves oscillating between craving connection (your inner child) and needing distance (your adult self). Emotionally immature parents can be loving, funny, and charismatic but also frustrating, draining, and, well … simply unable to meet your emotional needs.
It can be so draining trying to interact with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their behavior, throws tantrums, or uses guilt as a weapon — and yet, that’s your parent. And it’s normal to want a meaningful connection with them, especially if you’ve never been able to achieve that.
I’ve had so many clients ask me something along the lines of "How can I keep a relationship with them without losing my sanity?"
First off, know this: it’s completely normal to feel conflicted. Maintaining a relationship with an emotionally immature parent is tricky because they often see the world through their own lens and might not have the awareness, skills, or willingness to meet you where you are.
Contrary to what you may be hoping to hear, the goal here isn’t to change who they are — unfortunately, that’s outside your control. Instead, it’s about setting boundaries, managing your expectations, and finding ways to engage that feel healthy for you.
So, how do you do that?
1. Adjust your expectations and redefine the relationship.
Expecting your emotionally immature parent to be able to meet your emotional needs is part of your inner child fantasy. This refers to your wounded inner child’s continuous hope that your parent will somehow become an emotionally mature adult that can give you the love, attention, and connection you were deprived of in childhood. Unfortunately, emotionally immature parents are unlikely to suddenly wake up one day and become the parent you’ve always wanted or needed them to be. This means grieving the loss of that potential relationship and accepting your parent for who they are (instead of who you wish they were).
If you’ve been hurt by your parent’s reactions or lack of understanding, adjust your expectations so you don’t set yourself up for disappointment every time you engage with them. This doesn’t mean you have to condone their behavior, but it does mean letting go of the idea that they will ever change in the ways you hope for. Maybe you can focus on sharing certain topics with them while keeping others off-limits. If you’re dealing with a parent who thrives on drama or finds every conversation an opportunity to share their problems, consider keeping conversations more lighthearted or steering towards subjects where they’re likely to be supportive. The unfortunate reality is that emotionally immature parents cannot tolerate deep emotional connection and the vulnerability it requires, so you need to choose how you engage with them based on that truth.
2. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
When you have an emotionally immature parent, the only way to keep your sanity is to set very clear boundaries. If the word “boundaries” immediately gives you visions of arguments and family tension, hang tight. Boundaries don’t have to mean confrontations, but they do require you to hold firm in advocating for your own needs.
Think about situations where you often find yourself emotionally activated around your parents. Whether it’s guilt-tripping you, throwing a tantrum, or playing the victim, you somehow find yourself taking the emotional bait. This is where boundaries come in.
For example, if you dread phone calls that don’t actually cover anything meaningful or often devolve into arguments, let them know you only have 15 minutes to talk, or politely interrupt to let them know you have to get going. You don’t have to justify yourself; just keep it simple and direct. Another example: if they bring up topics that drain you or trigger you, it’s okay to say, “I’m not up for this conversation right now.” They might roll their eyes or make a snide comment, but that’s their problem, not yours. In general, consider limiting the frequency or length of time you spend together. Perhaps there are certain activities or environments that enable more positive interactions instead of feeling obligated to be in spaces (such as their home) that leave you feeling emotionally wiped out.
Being the child of an emotionally immature parent usually involves being raised to feel responsible for their feelings, so boundary-setting can be especially hard. But that’s what makes them necessary: boundaries are for you to protect your peace, not for their approval. And in dynamics like these, boundary-setting makes it more possible for you to maintain a relationship with them because you’re not constantly burning out or building resentment.
3. Become observational and practice emotional detachment.
Emotionally immature parents have this magical ability to make you feel like you’re 12 years old again, even if you’re 35 — the emotional triggers can be intense. BUT, because the emotionally immature parent is incapable of engaging in deep emotional connection, you must stop trying to engage emotionally, even when they do upsetting things. This means engaging with them in an observational capacity. When they do something upsetting, notice it, acknowledge it internally, and remove yourself if needed, but do not feed into it or emotionally react to it (in front of your parent, at least). Try narrating their behaviors in your head, observing as if there were a window between you that you’re looking at them through. Creating emotional distance is crucial.
As you practice becoming observational, you will begin to notice that emotionally immature parents often have patterns — the same arguments, the same reactions, the same responses that pop up time and time again. Once you recognize these patterns, you can almost “predict” what’s coming. And here’s where you get some power back. For example, if you know that bringing up your achievements leads them to criticize or belittle, try not to rely on them for validation in that area. Or, if you know they tend to vent a lot, try planning to engage in ways that limit the emotional load on you.
Over time, you will likely start to notice your own triggers. When this happens, take a deep breath to recenter and remind yourself that you’re not responsible for their emotions. It’s okay to step away (“going to the bathroom” is always a great way to remove yourself for a moment) and remind yourself to emotionally detach. Practice becoming observational again, noticing your surroundings right there in the bathroom, then go back out and put it to practice with your parent’s behavior. The goal is to break the cycle of emotional reactivity.
4. Have an exit strategy (for conversations and visits).
Sometimes, even with boundaries and preparation, conversations or visits get overwhelming. Having a pre-planned “exit strategy” can help you leave interactions that feel too much. It can be as simple as:
“This has been nice, but I have to go now — I’ll talk to you soon.”
“It’s been great to see you. I need to head out to finish up some things.”
Or even having a “code phrase” with your partner or a friend when you’re visiting in person to indicate it’s time to go.
And if you feel guilty about cutting things short, recognize that emotion, honor it, and allow it to pass like a cloud in the sky. You likely only feel guilty because you were socialized to cater to your parents’ needs instead of your own. In order to have a successful relationship with them, that has to change.
5. Be selective about your time together.
This goes hand-in-hand with #2. Remember, you’re not required to have a full-on relationship with your parent just because they’re family. Quality over quantity is the idea here. Spend time with them when it feels right, but don’t feel guilty about saying no to certain things or limiting your time together.
You can also make sure your time together is more intentional. Maybe meet for coffee instead of hosting them in your home, or plan shorter outings so you can leave before things get too uncomfortable. Think about specific activities or environments where you can focus on a particular task together, which can limit the scope of conversation and keep things feeling safe, neutral, and contained. Setting time limits on visits (with a firm exit plan like we talked about in #4) can help prevent things from spiraling into unhealthy territory. During major family get-togethers, consider your capacity and set boundaries accordingly. For more tips on navigating holidays with an emotionally immature parent, check out this post.
6. Prioritize self-care after interactions.
When you’re dealing with an emotionally immature parent, self-care is essential. You’re managing your emotions and holding your boundaries, which is a lot of work! Make sure you’re recharging those emotional batteries by spending time doing things that can a) help you cope with the complex feelings that come up, and b) provide a sense of joy or emotional nourishment.
This could look like talking it out with a friend (or therapist), going for a walk, journaling, binging your favorite TV show, or anything that brings you comfort and helps you decompress. The goal is to have an emotional outlet so you don’t carry ongoing guilt, frustration, or negative emotional energy. While of course it’s okay to process your emotions as they come up, your parent does not deserve the power of derailing your day. If you’re not sure where to start with self-care, check out this post.
7. Remind yourself it’s okay to feel whatever you feel.
Finally, remember it’s okay to feel sad, angry, conflicted, or even guilty about this relationship. I’ve heard clients say things like, “This feels so cold” or “I want more than a surface-level relationship with them.” Remember, accepting your parent as they are and adjusting your expectations is in many ways a form of grief — grieving the relationship you want but cannot have with them and grieving the inner child fantasy that you must let go of. You can love someone and still feel frustrated, hurt, or disrespected by them, and recognize the need to protect and prioritize yourself. You can contribute as much as you can to a relationship, but if the other party isn’t willing to meet you halfway, that is out of your control. Navigating this middle ground approach means finding what works for you in a situation where there aren’t perfect solutions.
Again, it’s natural to want a different relationship with your parent, but accepting them as they are, without letting them impose on your peace, is the healthiest choice. Every relationship is unique, and how you choose to engage, whether it’s setting stricter boundaries or taking a step back at times, is valid.
Give yourself some grace as you figure out what you need and work toward those changes. This is complicated, messy stuff. But by focusing on what’s within your control, you’re creating the space for a healthier, more balanced relationship — on your terms.
For a more in-depth dive into the emotionally immature parent, I recommend Lindsay C. Gibson’s book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
