Understanding Your Self-Love Language (For Restorative Self-Care)
A common theme among many of my clients — and people in my personal life — is that it’s way easier to care for others than it is to care for ourselves. And once you’re ready to change that, it can be difficult knowing where to start.
While self-love can take many forms, one framework that I find helpful is to utilize the 5 Love Languages, but redirect them toward yourself.
Understanding how you prefer to nurture, prioritize, and take care of yourself is a great way to familiarize yourself with your needs — which then becomes easier to communicate to your loved ones for better satisfaction in all your relationships.
Wait, what are the 5 Love Languages?
For those who are unfamiliar, the concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman, PhD. He wrote a book describing different ways that folks prefer to both communicate love and receive love from others. Unsurprisingly, mismatches in love languages between loved ones can lead to conflict in relationships if they aren’t mindful about each other’s preferred way to communicate love. Here are the 5 Love Languages that Chapman introduced:
Words of affirmation involve hearing or giving validation, encouragement, and verbal appreciation. This might look like giving unsolicited praise or compliments, or sending heartfelt messages and communication when you’re not physically together.
Physical touch involves engaging in physical intimacy. This is not necessarily sensual; it can include sitting closely together, holding hands, or other nonverbal expressions of affection.
Quality time involves prioritizing and spending intentional, focused one-on-one time together without distractions. This might look like giving them undivided attention when you’re together, or sharing experiences, activities, and memories together.
Acts of service refers to doing things for others that make their lives easier or bring them joy. This might look like doing chores or errands for them, surprising them with a meal, or offering to support them with difficult tasks.
Gift giving involves giving or receiving gifts or other tangible tokens of affection or thoughtfulness. This might look like giving tokens of gratitude that the other person, specifically, would enjoy, or giving a thoughtful gift or gesture without an occasion.
Some folks might find that their self-love language differs from their relational love language (it me 🙋🏻♀️) which is totally okay! It’s all about knowing what makes YOU feel good, and feeling empowered to seek those things out yourself and with others.
How can you go about learning your self-love language?
By identifying your self-love language, you can tailor your self-care practices to better suit your needs. Like traditional love languages, you may find yourself drawn to more than one self-love language, and that’s okay! In fact, it’s great because you have more resources to take care of yourself.
To find your self-love language, I recommend trying the following:
Make a list of all the tools, activities, hobbies, and coping mechanisms you currently utilize to feel better or gain enjoyment. Do you notice any patterns in the activities that you’re most drawn to? Do they fall into any of the self-love language categories?
Reflect on times when you’ve felt most loved and cared for, whether by others or yourself. Consider what actions or gestures made you feel special and appreciated. For example, did you feel uplifted when someone gave you a thoughtful compliment, or did you find the most joy in spending quality time alone?
Try out different self-care practices aligned with the five love languages to see which resonates most with you (see below for ideas). As you try different practices, pay close attention to your emotional responses. Do you feel more relaxed, joyful, or confident after certain activities? Do some actions leave you feeling more connected to yourself than others? Your emotional reactions can be a strong indicator of which self-love language resonates most with you.
Think about what you currently crave in your life. Do you need more positivity, structure, physical comfort, meaningful experiences, or tangible reminders of love? Understanding your needs can guide you towards practices that fulfill those desires.
If you’re comfortable, ask close friends or family members about what they’ve noticed makes you happiest or most content. Sometimes, an outside perspective can provide valuable insights into the ways you show and receive love, including towards yourself.
Once you identify which self-love language(s) resonate most with you, it’s time to put them into practice!
1. Words of affirmation
For those who resonate with words of affirmation, positive and uplifting language can be a powerful form of self-care. This involves giving yourself encouragement, compliments, and kind words that affirm your worth and abilities. This practice can be particularly helpful during challenging times, as it reinforces compassionate inner dialogue and helps you stay grounded in your inherent worth. Here are some things to try:
Curate a collection of inspiring quotes, affirmations, or mantras that resonate with you
Utilize journaling; this could look like free expression, guided prompts, or writing love notes to yourself
Incorporate a gratitude practice at the end of each day
If compassionate self-talk is hard, practice talking to yourself like you’d talk to a friend
2. Physical touch
Nurturing your body through comforting and soothing activities can be a key aspect of self-love for those who prefer physical touch. This not only promotes physical well-being but also fosters a positive relationship with your body. Here are some things to try:
Indulge in a relaxing bath or massage
Incorporate movement that feels good, such as stretching, yoga, or dancing
Utilize sensory tools, like a weighted blanket or scented lotion
Give yourself permission to sleep in or rest your body when you’re able
Wear cozy pajamas and notice how it feels
3. Quality time
Quality time as a self-love language involves dedicating uninterrupted time to focus on yourself. The essence of this love language is being fully present with yourself, free from distractions and external pressures, and creating space in your life to connect with your thoughts, feelings, and passions. Here are some things to try:
Spend time in nature
Utilize meditation as an opportunity to focus on yourself
Engage in hobbies that are fulfilling to you, whether that’s reading, gardening, playing an instrument, or anything else
Create space in your schedule to do something creative
Schedule time for self-care such as physical exercise or meditation
Set aside time for pure relaxation, whatever that looks like for you
4. Acts of service
If acts of service are your primary self-love language, taking actions that benefit your well-being can be deeply fulfilling. These actions reinforce the idea that your needs and desires are important, and they can significantly enhance your sense of self-worth. Here are some things to try:
Cleaning or organizing your living space
Preparing a healthful meal
Learning a new skill or taking a class you’ve been interested in
Investing in a product or service that will improve your quality of life
Accomplishing a task on your to-do list
5. Gift giving
If you enjoy receiving gifts, you can treat yourself to meaningful tokens too! This doesn't necessarily mean splurging on expensive items, but rather giving yourself thoughtful gifts that bring joy and comfort. The act of giving yourself a gift, however small, serves as a tangible reminder that you are deserving of kindness and pleasure. Here are some things to try:
Buying a book you’ve been wanting to read (or renting it from the library!)
Indulging in comfort items like a cozy blanket, fuzzy socks, or scented candles
Treating yourself to a coveted snack or treat
Acknowledging your accomplishments with a small reward, such as something from your wish list
By taking the time to explore your self-love language, you can incorporate effective strategies for self-soothing and, ultimately, better self-care.
