8 Tips for Navigating the Holidays With an Emotionally Immature Parent

Ah, the holidays. A time for coziness, twinkle lights everywhere, and constant advertisements about Black Friday deals.. The time of year where Michael Buble and Mariah Carey come out of their caves to bring us holiday cheer.

And the time of year where there tends to be an abundance of family gatherings. 😬

The general consensus in society is that the holidays are fun and a source of joy. But for folks who have emotionally immature parents or toxic family members, the holidays become a lot more challenging. And when there is holiday cheer everywhere you look, it can feel isolating or depressing to feel like the only one who isn’t having a good time.

But you aren’t the only one. Unfortunately, there are many folks who know the experience of having an emotionally immature parent.

Here’s the cliffnotes version: The term “emotionally immature parent” is an umbrella term describing someone whose emotional development has been stunted or impacted, therefore impacting their ability to adequately navigate and respond to the complexities of parenthood. These parents often struggle to regulate (or even acknowledge) their own emotions, exhibiting behaviors that are more appropriate for their children rather than a parental figure. For example, they might display unpredictable mood swings, emotional dysregulation, reliance on their children beyond what’s appropriate, or an inability to manage stress — all of which can create a chaotic and unstable environment for their children.

To learn more about how having an emotionally immature parent might impact you, check out this blog post!

So, as you can imagine, being around people like that can make the holidays more stressful. Trying to meet the emotionally immature parent’s unrealistic expectations, walking on eggshells around them, or feeling obligated to play the role of caretaker or family therapist can be exhausting and, ultimately, is not your responsibility.

So, what to do during this time of year? Here are 8 tips for navigating the holiday season with an emotionally immature parent:

1. Set realistic expectations.

Emotionally immature parents may find it challenging to fulfill the traditional role of a nurturing and supportive figure during the holidays. Instead of hoping for a picture-perfect celebration, set realistic expectations for yourself. While it’s hard to let go of the inner child fantasy that your parent can be the figure you need and want them to be, it’s important to understand that emotional outbursts or unexpected behaviors may occur, or that your parent will probably disappoint you. By mentally preparing for potential challenges, you can approach the holidays with a more grounded perspective.

2. Establish boundaries — and enforce them.

During family gatherings, focus on creating boundaries for yourself. This could start before the gathering even begins. Depending on the day, or the circumstances, your capacity might be significantly lower or higher than another day. And it's important to acknowledge what you can actually commit to for holiday gatherings, depending on your own capacity. Trying to cram in 3 Thanksgiving dinners with all the in-laws might sound like your personal hell, so it might make sense to communicate something like, “We are so sorry to miss Thanksgiving with you all, but we're excited to see you for Christmas!” If seeing your parents all eight nights of Hanukkah feels overwhelming, set up their expectations early by letting them know you can only be there on the first and the last night. Whatever the case is for you, make sure you're setting those boundaries early and assertively.

Then, at the gathering itself, boundaries become even more important. When a parent exhibits emotionally immature behaviors, you have to be prepared to enforce your boundaries calmly and consistently. If certain topics trigger emotional distress or if the atmosphere becomes overwhelming, give yourself permission to step away (more on that below). If there's a need for personal space, express that need without guilt. By reinforcing your limits, you protect your emotional well-being and cultivate an environment where your needs are respected.

But here’s my caveat about boundaries: they are not about changing others’ behaviors. Boundaries are about setting up expectations about how you want to be treated, and laying out the consequences of those boundaries being violated. You can’t control what your emotionally immature parent does or whether they respect your boundary, but you can control your response if that happens.

3. Communicate assertively and clearly.

This goes hand in hand with the above. Effective communication is key when dealing with emotionally immature parents because it can be so easy for conversations or discussions to become derailed and turn into arguments. Clarify your expectations and express your needs in a calm and assertive manner. When discussing your needs, use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame. For example, you can say, “I feel more at ease when we avoid certain topics” instead of “You always bring up things that upset me.” By framing your concerns in a way that emphasizes your feelings rather than pointing fingers, you create a more conducive environment for open dialogue. Clear communication lays the foundation for a more harmonious holiday experience.

4. Have some coping + self-soothing tools in place.

Amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday preparations, prioritize self-care to maintain your emotional well-being. Emotionally immature parents can cultivate a stressful environment and taking care of yourself is crucial to not fuel the fire. Schedule moments of relaxation, engage in activities that bring you joy, and be mindful of your mental health. There are *infinite* ways to help yourself in the middle of a difficult gathering. If you're feeling emotionally activated, excuse yourself to the restroom and try splashing cool water on your face, or going to the kitchen and holding ice in your hands. If you need to take space away from people for a bit, find a more secluded area (this could be a spare bedroom, the back patio, or even sitting in your car for a minute) and take a few deep belly breaths. Whether it's enjoying a favorite holiday treat, taking short breaks for grounding, or excusing yourself to listen to calming music, these small acts can make a significant difference in your resilience during the gathering. Think about what helps you calm down or feel more in control, and try to incorporate those things as much as possible during your visit. 

5. Plan engaging activities for holiday gatherings.

If you’re hosting or happen to be the one in charge of planning the holiday festivities, I recommend planning engaging but neutral activities during family gatherings to mitigate potential tension. Emotionally immature parents often struggle with emotional regulation, and redirecting the focus to enjoyable shared experiences can improve your chances of a positive atmosphere. Consider activities that encourage intentional participation and focus, such as board games, holiday crafts, or group cooking sessions. Shared activities provide a distraction from potential conflicts and allow everyone to contribute to a collective, enjoyable experience. 

6. Rehearse phrases you might have to say to family members.

I'm a big fan of making things as easy for your brain in stressful moments as possible — and rehearsing things in advance takes the guesswork out of it. If you know your emotionally immature mother is highly likely to say something inappropriate, think about how you would like to respond. If you think there's a chance you need to shut down questions about when you're going to settle down and start a family (🙄), or to intercept a meltdown about how much you disappoint her, practice what you can say in response so you don't accidentally lash out in the moment. The more you’re able to identify language to use, practice verbal and nonverbal communication, and learn how to manage potential challenges, you will feel more prepared doing those things in real situations.

7. Prepare for potential triggers.

Along those same lines, take some time to think about past family gatherings and help yourself anticipate potential triggers or patterns that could lead to emotional distress. Whether it's specific topics of conversation, certain family dynamics, or past events, if there's something you think could lead to differing opinions, raised voices, or otherwise unhealthy discourse, try to plan ahead for it. As satisfying as it might feel in the moment to call out your toxic dad for his bullshit, it's just not worth the potential backlash and the cost to your mental health. Develop strategies to navigate these triggers and de-escalate situations instead, such as redirecting conversations, having exit plans, or mentally preparing affirmations to stay grounded. If your emotionally immature parent brings up a topic you're trying to avoid, politely redirect them ("I'm not interested in talking about that right now. How are things going with the home renovations?") or find a way to leave the conversation (going to the restroom is always a good exit strategy — or straight up leaving if you need to).

8. Seek support outside the family.

Emotionally immature parents often contribute to a stressful atmosphere and having a trusted friend or support person to lean on can help. Before attending any family gatherings, establish your support network. Let a friend know that you might reach out for a quick call or text during potentially stressful moments. Ask your community who might be available to hang out after an event if you think you might need to decompress. If you have a partner attending gatherings with you, discuss strategies for navigating difficult moments, such as establishing a “signal” to have them redirect you away from a conversation, or taking a walk together outside if you need a break during an event.

Hopefully these tips can help you set — and enforce — whatever boundaries you might need to get through the holidays with your emotionally immature parent (and whoever else). But in case it still feels like a tall order, I want to offer another perspective. 

If the thought of attending holiday gatherings still gives you that pit-in-your-stomach feeling of dread, I’m here to tell you it’s okay to give yourself permission to skip any function you need to.

You are allowed to take care of yourself.

You are allowed to create your own traditions.

You are allowed to enjoy the holiday season — even if it means not being around your family.

While they may not like your choice, and may attempt to make you feel guilty for it, your needs matter too. If you need to break away from traditions that don’t serve you, it’s okay to do that. The reaction of an emotionally immature parent is not your responsibility.

So, that’s a wrap! The holidays can be an exciting and eventful time, but for many folks they are also super loaded and can be a source of stress. With appropriate boundaries, you may have an easier time navigating the holidays and increasing your chances of actually enjoying yourself — which is what this time of year is all about!

Happy holidays to all who celebrate!