The Holidays Can Be Triggering — Here’s How to Cope

Dec 12

Ah, the holiday season. A time of festive lights, coziness, and… stress?

For those with any type of relational or attachment trauma, there might be a complex relationship with this time of year. Holidays often involve family-centric gatherings, which can mean assumptions, obligations, planning, masking, and, ultimately, pressure to fit back into old family roles.

Here are some common triggers that tend to come up around the holidays:

Old family dynamics: Reverting to your prescribed family role when you’re back home (such as the “peacemaker” or “black sheep”), dealing with sibling rivalries, or navigating critical parents.

Comments about your life choices: Whether it’s questions about your job, relationship status, or future plans, some family members have a knack for pushing buttons or rely on this type of intrusiveness as the only form of connection they know how to have.

Financial stress: The pressure to spend on gifts, travel, and events can weigh heavily, especially if money’s tight. This is even more pronounced in families where the sense of obligation is stronger than the actual relationship.

Unresolved conflicts: If there are ongoing family tensions, holiday gatherings can feel like a time bomb waiting to go off, leaving everyone tense and on eggshells (and therefore more emotionally sensitive or reactive).

Alcohol and/or party atmosphere: For some, drinking is a fun social lubricant; for others, it’s a trigger for family arguments or reminders of painful memories.

Feeling left out: If you’ve lost loved ones, live far from family, or have chosen to distance yourself, the holidays can feel especially isolating.
Masking: If you don’t feel fully accepted by loved ones, or you know that healthy emotional connection is unlikely to occur, you might feel obligated to “mask” your feelings or needs, which can lead to feeling like you’re performing or being inauthentic — which takes up so much emotional energy!

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with at least one of these. It can be helpful to identify which of these triggers you might anticipate so you can better prepare for how to handle them.

Knowing what triggers you is only half the battle, though. Once you’re aware of what might set you off, you need to prepare yourself with tools for navigating these situations.

Scripts & Strategies for Navigating Uncomfortable or Triggering Dialogue

Having a game plan can save you from getting pulled into drama or overextending your emotional labor. Here are some assertive scripts and strategies to help steer things back to a neutral place.

Redirecting the topic. If a family member dives into territory that feels triggering (say, asking for the hundredth time when you’ll “settle down” or switch careers), try something like:

“Oh, you know, same old. But I’d love to hear more about what’s new with you!” Or go for humor: “I’ll add that to my New Year’s resolutions list. But hey, did you see the latest [movie/news/sports event]?” Setting a boundary doesn’t have to be confrontational; sometimes, a lighthearted redirection does the trick.

Set boundaries around uncomfortable topics. For comments that hit below the belt, use a firm but kind response like: “I appreciate your concern, but I’d rather not talk about that right now.” Or if you’re getting cornered, try: “It’s the holidays — I’d love to keep things positive. Can we talk about something else?” This can be a diplomatic but firm way to avoid further conflict.

Use a “pause button.” When things get heated or are escalating beyond what you can handle in the moment, give yourself permission to step away. Taking a break to cool down doesn’t have to be rude. You could say: “I’m going to grab a quick breather. I’ll be back in a few.” Alternatively, heading to the bathroom is always a great way to take a step back (with the added bonus of a moment of privacy to re-center).

Calmly assert your boundaries, as many times as needed. For those times when you’re setting a hard limit, like when a family member crosses a line, try: “I’m not comfortable with that, so I’m going to leave the conversation here.” Or: “I respect your perspective, but I’m not here to debate. Let’s enjoy our time together instead.” If they persist, you can try: “This isn’t the first time that’s been brought up. I’m asking you to please respect that I don’t want to discuss that right now.” This may need to be followed by taking a break or stepping away, which is totally okay.

Limit holiday gatherings altogether. If you are estranged or otherwise distant from your family, you may opt to skip holiday get-togethers entirely, which is completely okay. When asked about your attendance, you might say something like “I’ll be spending the holidays in a way that feels aligned with what I need right now. I hope you can respect that.” Alternatively, you might opt for something like, “This year, I’ve decided to take a break and will be focusing on different activities.” You may get pushback, but their feelings are not your problem to solve.

Self-Soothing & Coping With Your Feelings

So, you’ve managed to de-escalate a potential conflict or have taken a break from your pushy relative. Great! Now what?

Removing yourself from imminent stressors is an important first step, but chances are, you’re feeling pretty riled up by that point. It can be challenging to know how to self-soothe or cope when you’re still at the family function — or dealing with the aftermath of declining an invite.

Deep breathing exercises. Deep breathing is simple, effective, and inconspicuous, making it a great tool for family gatherings. Paced breathing, such as the “4-7-8” technique (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8) is a great way to reset when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Sensory breaks. Find a quiet space and focus on your five senses: touch something soft, smell a calming scent, sip water, look at something neutral, or listen to music that relaxes you. Sometimes, when you’re stuck in a stressful situation, stepping out for a quick walk can work wonders, allowing you to get fresh air and reset your nervous system.

Temperature changes. There’s a concept in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) called distress tolerance, in which you utilize self-soothing resources to tolerate or move through difficult emotions. Temperature adjustment is a helpful technique to signal a “reset” to the brain. Cold temperatures can help slow an elevated heart rate (like when you’re anxious), so try running your hands under cold water or holding ice. Note: there’s no need to go too extreme with this. And if you have a medical condition, consult a doctor first.

Visualization. If the environment allows, try visualizing a place where you feel safe and relaxed — whether it’s a beach, a cozy room, or your favorite spot in nature. Imagine immersing yourself there for a few minutes, noticing the different sensations you’d be experiencing there. This can help calm your nervous system and regulate your breathing.

When all else fails — or even if it doesn’t, as hoped — it’s okay to lean on affirmations or mantras to get you through a difficult situation. Here are a few reminders to help you stay connected to what really matters (and stay sane):

“I am allowed to set boundaries that protect my peace.”
“My feelings are valid and I don’t have to feel guilty about them.”
“I am not responsible for others’ happiness or comfort.”
“Someone else’s reaction does not have to become my crisis.”
“I am allowed to create my own holiday traditions.”
“It’s okay to take care of myself, even if it disappoints others.”
“I have the right to create a holiday experience that works for me.”
“I am worthy of love and respect, just as I am.”

Holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. And while it’s easy to get wrapped up in family expectations or social pressure, the most important part of the season is taking care of yourself. No matter how others may react, you deserve to spend the holidays feeling as safe and comfortable as possible.

So, whether you’re saying no to gatherings, setting new traditions, or simply creating your own personal pockets of peace, know that it’s okay to prioritize yourself this season. Here’s to navigating the holidays with resilience and a whole lot of self-compassion!