9 Ways That Having An Emotionally Immature Parent Impacts You, and How to Heal
The term “emotionally immature parent” is an umbrella term for a few different types of parents (more on that later), but basically, an emotionally immature parent is someone whose emotional development hasn't kept pace with their chronological age, impacting their ability to effectively navigate and respond to the complexities of parenthood. These parents often struggle to regulate (or even acknowledge) their own emotions, exhibiting behaviors that are more appropriate for children or adolescents. For example, they might display unpredictable mood swings, emotional dysregulation, reliance on their children beyond what’s appropriate, or an inability to manage stress — all of which can create a chaotic and unstable environment for their children.
One hallmark of an emotionally immature parent is a lack of emotional empathy and understanding towards their children. They may fail to recognize or validate their children's feelings, dismissing their emotions or responding with indifference. This emotional disconnect can leave children feeling unheard, unsupported, and confused about their own emotions.
Emotionally immature parents usually also struggle with setting appropriate boundaries or providing consistent teachable moments for their children, further contributing to instability and insecurity within the family dynamic. When these children grow into adults, they may hope that their parents are now able to meet them where they’re at, with emotional awareness and empathy. This “inner child fantasy” — in which the parent eventually becomes capable of meeting the adult child’s needs — often does not play out in reality without extensive work on the part of the immature parent. More on that here.
Emotionally immature parents can manifest their immaturity in various ways, leading to different types or patterns of behavior.
Here are some common types of emotionally immature parents:
The Helicopter Parent: Helicopter parents are overly controlling and tend to hover over their children, making decisions for them and rarely allowing them to make mistakes or take risks. They often struggle with letting go and allowing their children to develop independence.
The Neglectful Parent: Neglectful parents are emotionally absent and indifferent to their child's needs and feelings. They may be physically present but fail to provide emotional support or engagement. Children of neglectful parents often feel unimportant and unsupported.
The Narcissistic Parent: Narcissistic parents are self-absorbed and prioritize their own needs and desires over their children's. They may use their children as extensions of themselves, seeking validation and admiration from them. Children of narcissistic parents often struggle with low self-esteem and feel used or manipulated.
The Enmeshed Parent: Enmeshed parents have blurred boundaries with their children, often treating them as confidants or emotional crutches. They may rely on their children for emotional support, sharing inappropriate information or burdening them with adult concerns, which can lead to feelings of overwhelm and confusion in children.
The Authoritarian Parent: Authoritarian parents are rigid and demanding, often valuing obedience and discipline above emotional connection. They may resort to punishment and control rather than understanding and empathy, which can create fear and resentment in their children.
The Perfectionist Parent: Perfectionist parents have unrealistic expectations and may pressure their children to excel in every aspect of life. They often struggle to accept imperfections and mistakes, which can lead to high levels of stress and anxiety in their children.
The Guilt-Tripping Parent: Guilt-tripping parents use manipulation and emotional blackmail to control their children's behavior. They may guilt-trip their children into doing what they want, making their children feel responsible for their parent's emotions and happiness.
The Inconsistent Parent: Inconsistent parents may swing between extremes of permissiveness and strictness, making it difficult for their children to predict their responses or establish a sense of stability and safety.
It's important to note that these types are not mutually exclusive, and many parents may exhibit a combination of these behaviors. Regardless of how the emotionally immature parents present, the result is often the same: a long-lasting impact on their child’s emotional and social development.
Here are 9 ways that having an emotionally immature parent can impact you:
Difficulty expressing your emotions: Growing up in a dysfunctional environment can make it challenging to express your own emotions effectively. You might have learned to suppress your feelings to avoid conflict or because your parents couldn't handle your emotions.
Low self-esteem or self-worth: Emotionally immature parents may not provide the validation and encouragement needed for healthy self-esteem development. As a result, you may struggle with self-doubt and a negative self-image.
People-pleasing tendencies: To maintain harmony at home, you might have developed people-pleasing patterns, prioritizing others' needs over your own. This pattern can persist into adulthood, affecting your relationships and leading to social burnout.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Emotionally immature parents may not respect your boundaries or may have none themselves. Consequently, you might find it challenging to set and enforce healthy boundaries in your adult relationships.
Fear of conflict: Experiencing frequent emotional volatility at home can, obviously, instill a fear of conflict. This fear might lead you to avoid difficult conversations, even when they are necessary for resolving issues or cultivating healthy repair.
Insecurity in relationships: Growing up with emotionally immature parents can make you more vulnerable to developing insecure attachment styles in relationships. You may become anxious or avoidant in your romantic connections, or believe that others will reject or abandon you.
Difficulty with emotional regulation: Emotionally immature parents likely failed to model healthy emotional regulation. As a result, you may struggle with managing your own emotions, leading to emotional outbursts (hyper-activation) or emotional numbness (hypo-activation)
Difficulty trusting others: If your parents were inconsistent in their emotional support, you may find it challenging to trust others. This mistrust can hinder the formation of deep, meaningful relationships.
Perfectionism: Emotionally immature parents might have had unrealistic expectations or imposed perfectionism on you. This can lead to an ongoing pursuit of perfection and fear of failure.
If this sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone! Understanding the impact of emotionally immature parents is a crucial step in recognizing the dynamics that may have shaped your early experiences and relationships. Fortunately, healing is totally possible! Here are some steps toward healing from emotionally immature parents.
Cultivate self-awareness.
Start by recognizing and acknowledging the impact of your upbringing — and your parents’ behaviors — on your life. What are the stories you’ve internalized about yourself as a result? How do you show up in relationships with others? Get to know yourself well and give yourself permission to explore these difficult questions.
Challenge negative beliefs.
Examine the negative beliefs you may have internalized from childhood. Are these beliefs based on reality, or are they rooted in your emotionally immature parent’s perspective? Is that person a reliable narrator to be dictating how you live? As you begin to understand the origins of any negative beliefs about yourself, you can learn to challenge this default and gain a more realistic, and ultimately more helpful, perspective.
If you need more help with this, I talk more about challenging negative beliefs here.
Learn to set (and enforce) boundaries.
Begin with small opportunities to practice saying “no” or taking space when you need it. This is hard when you’ve never done it before, but it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for managing the other person’s feelings when you set a boundary. Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling what the other person does (because we can’t do that), but about what you will do if someone doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. That’s why whatever consequences you decide on for your boundaries, it’s important to enforce them. For some folks from dysfunctional families, this could look like cutting back how often you visit your family, or letting your family know that certain topics are off-limits during holiday gatherings.
Implement coping + emotional tolerance strategies.
Invest in developing your emotional regulation skills. Mindfulness and grounding skills are helpful when your body is activated, and different cognitive techniques (like thought stopping or thought replacement) can help pivot negative thoughts.
Try the 4-7-8 breathing exercise: Inhale deeply for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and then exhale for 8 counts. Repeat at least 2-3 times to lower your heart rate.
Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise: Notice and identify 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Try temperature change to facilitate grounding: When you feel activated, spend a few minutes running cool water over your hands in the sink, splashing cool water on your face, or holding ice in your hand. Temperature change helps trigger a reset in your brain.
Want more ideas for mindfulness and grounding skills? Download the free self-care planner to get a whole list!
Build a supportive network of relationships.
Surround yourself with supportive and understanding friends and loved ones. Building a strong support network can provide you with the validation and encouragement you may have lacked in childhood. Fostering a community you trust can also give you organic opportunities to practice healthy communication, conflict resolution, boundary-setting, and other skills that you may not have learned in childhood.
Work to break the cycle.
In relationships, think about what was modeled for you by your parents. Is that how you want to show up or navigate conflict? With the above tools as your starting point, try to practice intentional choices during relationship challenges instead of doing the (usually less effective) default that you learned growing up. If you become a parent, be mindful of the patterns you learned from your own parents, and strive instead to create a loving and emotionally supportive environment for your children.
Seek help from a therapist.
Consider working with a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and dysfunctional family dynamics (hi, it’s me!). Therapy can provide you with insight about your upbringing and how it impacts you, tools for navigating healing, and strategies for building healthier relationships. Sometimes, therapy can also incorporate inner child work, which is a powerful technique for connecting with and nurturing your inner child, providing the care and support you may not have received as a child.
Growing up with emotionally immature parents can leave deep scars, but it's important to remember that healing and growth are possible. By recognizing the impact of your upbringing, seeking therapy, and implementing strategies for healing, you can gradually break free from the patterns that have held you back. Remember that you deserve healthy, loving relationships, and with effort and support, you can create a brighter, more emotionally fulfilling future for yourself!
PS: I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson if this resonates with you and you want to dig a little deeper!
