7 Strategies to Heal Your Attachment Style and Work Toward Secure Attachment

You’ve probably heard the term “attachment style” before. Like love languages, this concept has taken off as more folks want to understand why they show up how they do in their relationships. This is because attachment styles play a profound role in our emotional well-being and the quality of our relationships — and can influence how we connect with others, express emotions, and navigate relationships throughout our entire lives.

First of all… what is attachment?

Basically, the term “attachment style” refers to the way individuals form emotional connections and bonds with others, particularly in close relationships such as romantic partnerships, friendships, and parent-child relationships. This idea is rooted in attachment theory, first introduced by psychologist John Bowlby, which delves into how early interactions with caregivers shape our emotional development and relationships — even into adulthood. 

Attachment styles develop during early childhood based on interactions with primary caregivers (usually parents or guardians). These formative experiences shape our beliefs about whether others are reliable sources of comfort, support, and reassurance when needed. While adult relationships can also impact attachment, the foundation starts in childhood. Secure attachment typically develops when caregivers consistently meet a child's emotional and physical needs, creating a sense of trust and safety. On the other hand, insecure attachment often results from inconsistent, unpredictable, or neglectful caregiving.

Understanding your attachment style can offer insights into how you approach intimacy, trust, and dependency in your adult relationships. There are four primary attachment styles, divided into two categories: secure attachment and insecure attachment. Those with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to both give and receive support easily. Folks with one of the three insecure types of attachment styles, on the other hand, may struggle with various aspects of intimacy, trust, emotional awareness, and similar challenges.

What are the four attachment styles?

Secure attachment style: Folks with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They are generally open and honest in their communication, able to express their needs, and are supportive of their partners. They value emotional connection and strive for a healthy balance between autonomy and closeness.

Anxious attachment style: Sometimes called the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, those with this attachment style tend to be preoccupied with their relationships, seeking constant reassurance and fearing abandonment or rejection. They may seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They might worry about their relationships frequently, feeling insecure and craving constant reassurance. They can be highly attuned to any fluctuations in their partner's behavior and may become overly dependent on their approval for validation.

Avoidant attachment style: Also known as the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, folks with this attachment style value independence and self-sufficiency — often to the point of avoiding emotional intimacy and suppressing their emotions. They often value self-reliance above all else, sometimes at the expense of deep emotional connections. They may put up walls or withdraw from loved ones when they feel threatened or vulnerable, leading to a lack of security in their relationships.

Disorganized attachment style: Often referred to as the fearful-avoidant attachment style, individuals with this attachment style often grapple with conflicting desires for emotional connection and independence. They may desire close relationships but fear getting hurt or rejected, causing them to withdraw. Depending on their emotional state, they may latch onto others at times but behave dismissively during other times. This internal struggle can lead to a cycle of pushing others away while yearning for connection, creating a pattern of emotional instability for themselves as well as others in their life.

If you identify with an insecure attachment style, here’s the good news: attachment styles aren’t necessarily permanent. There are ways to heal your attachment style and cultivate more secure and fulfilling relationships!

Here are 7 strategies to work toward secure attachment:

1. Prioritize emotional regulation.

Practice identifying and managing your emotions effectively. There should be a healthy balance between noticing and honoring your feelings, and coping with them in a healthy way rather than getting stuck in them. Learning to recognize your triggers and implementing healthy coping and self-soothing techniques can significantly improve your ability to communicate and connect with others in a more secure and balanced manner. 

2. Embrace vulnerability and practice it through open communication.

Here’s a difficult truth: healthy relationships cannot function without vulnerability and open communication. They just can’t. Otherwise, you’ve got an unhealthy relationship — or, at the very least, an unfulfilling one. The first step is to cultivate a safe space for open and honest communication in your relationships, where you can express your needs, fears, and desires openly, and encourage your partner or loved ones to do the same. This mutual exchange of vulnerability can foster understanding and trust, laying the groundwork for a more secure attachment bond.

3. Challenge unhelpful thoughts (especially when they’re based on assumptions, not facts).

Most of the time, thoughts are automatic. Something happens, your brain makes an assumption about what it means, you experience an emotional response based on that story and, as a result, have a certain behavior (one that’s usually unhelpful). Unfortunately, there are a lot of distorted thinking patterns that can manipulate how your brain interprets an event, such as black-and-white thinking, catastrophizing, personalizing, generalizing, mind reading, and jumping to conclusions. By becoming aware of these patterns, you can catch negative thoughts as they arise. Challenging the validity of your negative thoughts and whether they’re based in fact, not assumptions, can help you gain a more realistic, and ultimately more helpful, perspective that has a positive impact on your behavior.

4. Learn about your needs and think about your boundaries.

Insecure attachment styles develop, in part, due to a lack of your needs having been met in childhood, or having been met inconsistently or inadequately. As a result, you might have grown up not even knowing what your needs are (or not feeling empowered enough to ask for help getting them met). Spend some time reflecting on the type of relationship you want to have. What helps you feel cared for, appreciated, or loved? Which behaviors make you feel neglected or unseen? Listen to your instincts and allow yourself to become acquainted with your wants and needs, especially within relationships. Once you know what your wants and needs are, it’s important to learn how to ask for them or communicate when you feel like they’ve been violated. Establishing clear boundaries is vital for building trust and feeling respected in your relationships. Share your own boundaries and check in with yourself about whether you are respecting others’ boundaries as well. 

5. Get curious about your inner child.

Because attachment styles begin developing in early childhood, connecting with your inner child can be a crucial component of healing your attachment wounds and moving forward more securely. Because the inner child holds onto all of this in your subconscious, especially the “bad stuff,” they often come to the surface in moments of discomfort, intense emotion, and being faced with triggers that remind you of your past negative experiences. But what did the child version of you need back then? What needs didn’t get met? What would have helped your child self get through those hard situations? Hone in on what your inner child feels, thinks, and needs — and also what their fears are, their wounds, and their needs. Perhaps you can do some of those things for yourself now.

6. Be kind to yourself.

None of this work can happen if you’re beating yourself up every step of the way. It will probably be difficult to look closely at certain patterns, but it’s necessary to gain the insight you need to make the changes you want to see. Treat yourself with compassion and understanding as you reflect on past experiences and examine how they may have influenced your beliefs and behaviors. Acknowledge any patterns of seeking validation or avoiding intimacy, and avoid critical self-talk as you reflect. Embrace your vulnerabilities and imperfections with kindness and understanding, and get curious about what changes you might want to make. Treat yourself with the same empathy and care that you would offer to a cherished friend or loved one.

7. Work with a therapist.

If you're struggling to navigate your attachment style on your own, consider working with a therapist who specializes in relationship dynamics and attachment theory (hi, that’s me!). In addition to providing a safe container for you to talk about the challenges you’re experiencing, a trained therapist can offer personalized insights and strategies tailored to your specific attachment style — including how to help you process and heal from your past attachment experiences.

Through awareness and commitment to healing, it’s totally possible to develop secure attachment, and it’s also important to remember that even folks with insecure attachment are capable of having healthy relationships. Attachment is just a helpful framework for understanding why we show up the way we do in relationships (and how to pivot if we want to make changes). 

Obviously, change won’t happen overnight. Healing your attachment style is a journey that requires patience, self-reflection, and a willingness to embrace change. Though setbacks may arise along the way, keep in mind that every step you take brings you closer to a more secure attachment style where you can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships built on trust, empathy, and genuine connection.