What Does “Reparenting Your Inner Child” Mean (And How TF Do I Do It?)
Humans often treat life like a linear process: time passes, and we age accordingly. We become adults, and childhood is a thing of the past.
Well, as you might have guessed, childhood (or the past in general) has a weird way of coming back to the present. Maybe you find yourself stuck in patterns of negative self-talk or self-sabotage, despite your best efforts to break free. Maybe you find yourself people-pleasing all the damn time because you’re terrified of the consequences if someone else gets upset. Maybe you’re realizing that you have an anxious attachment style and it’s causing issues in your relationships. Or maybe you find yourself freezing up when faced with a particular trigger, and you can’t get past your fight/flight/freeze response.
These patterns may be rooted in your inner child, the part of you that developed in childhood and continues to influence your thoughts and behaviors as an adult.
What is the “inner child?”
The concept of the “inner child” originates from psychologist Carl Jung, who proposed that the child self is the first milestone in our developmental process toward individuation and becoming our true selves.
As we know, all adults were once children. Inner child work posits that your inner child exists even as you grow older, living primarily in your unconscious and subconscious. The inner child encompasses your childlike qualities, such as curiosity, creativity, and playfulness (the “good” stuff) — but also your unmet needs, suppressed emotions, and egocentric and distorted thinking patterns (the “bad” stuff).
Because the inner child holds onto all of this in your subconscious, especially the “bad stuff,” they often come to the surface in moments of discomfort, intense emotion, and being faced with triggers that remind you of your past negative experiences. And as anyone who has met a child knows, children don’t always handle that kind of struggle well.
Hence, the inner child will continue to run the show in moments of distress until you can truly process and heal from your past experiences.
What does reparenting your inner child mean?
Reparenting your inner child can look like so many different things! In therapy, it usually refers to the process of acknowledging, connecting with, listening to, and healing the wounds of the inner child, who continues to carry those things into adulthood. Many of your highly emotional reactions come from this part of you, and reparenting aims to heal those reactive parts by helping the inner child process traumatic past experiences.
Most folks have experienced some kind of inner child wound, even without a highly traumatic upbringing. If your parents were incredibly loving but still pressured you to get good grades or only praised you for your performance, you might carry a wound around perfectionism, believing that you’re not good enough, or impostor syndrome. Folks with more chaotic upbringings might have multiple or more complex inner child wounds that need to be healed. In this sense, reparenting your inner child also means giving yourself the love, care, and support that you may not have received as a child.
By reparenting your inner child, you can learn to recognize and heal the negative patterns that may be holding you back and create a more fulfilling life that encompasses both your child and adult selves in a healthy way. Remember, the inner child has both “positive” qualities and “negative” qualities — you want to embrace the playfulness, creativity, and carefree nature of your child self while simultaneously processing and healing from painful past experiences.
So, how do we do it?
1. Communicate with your inner child.
Have you ever introduced yourself to your inner child?
This part of the process comes first because you can’t acknowledge or begin to understand your inner child if you don’t communicate with them! You want to increase your awareness of who you were as a child, embrace and accept that younger part, and then learn what they need in order to move forward.
There are lots of ways to connect with your inner child. Here are a few ideas:
Write a letter to your inner child.
Close your eyes and connect with your inner child via grounding or meditation.
Speak to your inner child while standing in front of a mirror.
Look at old photos of yourself as a child and speak to that version of you.
Journal as your inner child.
Hone in on what your inner child feels, thinks, likes to do — and also what their fears are, their wounds, and their needs. Did your inner child need a hug from a nurturing adult? Maybe you can hug yourself in this moment. Did your inner child need to hear someone say something validating? Perhaps you can do that now.
It might feel silly or uncomfortable at first, and it could be a highly emotional process, so make sure you choose a time where you are safe and able to engage in self-care after.
2. Engage in childlike play.
Part of communicating with your inner child involves immersing yourself in childhood through play.
Can you recall any favorite activities from your childhood? I remember splitting my time pretty evenly between Barbie girl group hangs and playing teacher on my easel whiteboard (ask my mom for some of the bizarre names I came up with for my “students” lolol). Embracing a cherished activity from your past can be a great way to practice inner child play.
However, for some folks, the reality is that maybe there weren’t many happy moments from childhood. If you were constantly in survival mode, or if you were parentified, there probably weren’t many opportunities to just be a kid. Fortunately, it’s not too late to start incorporating play into your life!
Here are some ideas to get you started:
Do something creative: coloring books, painting, crafting, molding clay
Go outside: jump rope, play ball, frolick around, play with sidewalk chalk, have a water balloon fight
Be silly: take a bubble bath, do cartwheels, dance to an upbeat song, build a fort, play dress up
The possibilities are endless — the goal is just to allow yourself some moments of joy and playfulness.
3. Practice self-compassion.
Chances are, your inner child has heard more than enough of the harsh criticism, unfair judgment, and unrealistic expectations from your childhood. They don’t need to hear it from you, either.
A major part of the reparenting process involves practicing self-compassion.
Try this: Imagine speaking to yourself the way that you would speak to a child, or even a friend of yours, who is looking for comfort. Are you dismissive or judgmental? (Probably not.)
The messages you were taught about yourself from emotionally immature or toxic parents (possibly things like “you’re not good enough, you’re a waste of space, your needs don’t matter”) have nothing to do with you. I said what I said: It has NOTHING to do with you. Those messages were a reflection of your parents’ own demons.
Instead, try talking to yourself — both your adult and child selves, but it’s okay to start with your inner child if that’s easier — with compassion and empathy. Back then, what did your inner child need to hear instead of what they got? Say that. Over and over again.
4. Let go of the inner child fantasy.
This one is gonna be a doozy, y’all. This is one of the hardest parts about inner child work.
As an adult, you have the intellectual capacity to understand that your parents (or whoever hurt you) are probably not going to change. You can’t make them adapt and suddenly become the figures you need or want them to be. Rather, the only pathway forward is to focus on what you can control, usually via setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Your inner child, however, is stuck at a developmental stage that lacks such critical thinking or conceptualization skills, and instead believes that your parent can change. The inner child holds onto this fantasy so tightly because they think that parental validation is the only way to heal and move on. And because children are egocentric thinkers that tend to personalize things, your inner child has likely internalized the idea that if you act a certain way or do certain things, that will be enough to create that change. And when it isn’t (becase you can’t control others’ choices, and it really isn’t about you anyway), you inevitably internalize the message that you didn’t do enough. You’re the problem.
THIS is the inner child fantasy — the belief that somehow, some way, if you just try hard enough, if you just act good enough, the person who hurt you will become the person you need them to be.
A major part of the reparenting process involves recognizing that this is just a fantasy, accepting that you can’t control their choices, and letting go of those expectations.
5. Become the nurturing adult your inner child needs.
This is the part that is going to help your inner child let go of their fantasy — by having a warm, safe, nurturing adult in their life. That’s you!
When we think of the kind of nurturing kids need to develop and grow, what comes to mind? For me, it goes back to self-compassion. What soothing reassurances can you give your inner child when their emotions take over? How can you help your inner child learn that their needs will get met?
Developing structure teaches your inner child that you are a reliable adult that can care for yourself (and therefore, them).
Setting boundaries teaches your inner child that your needs matter.
Engaging in good self-care teaches your inner child that it’s okay to prioritize yourself and take space.
Using healthy coping skills teaches your inner child how to handle distress and honor their feelings.
Practicing positive self-talk teaches your inner child that you ARE enough, that you ARE worthy, that you ARE deserving of healing.
Your inner child might initially be hoping that your parents will become nurturing figures, but over time, reparenting your inner child teaches them that YOU are a stable adult capable of providing that nurturing embrace.
6. Work with a therapist.
Again, inner child work can be highly activating. There are often a lot of emotions that come up when you begin to explore this part of yourself. Having a trained therapist who can help guide you through the process is often incredibly helpful. The therapist can help you connect with your inner child and hold space for you to process whatever is coming up along the way. If you’re interested in doing this work 1:1 with a therapist, contact me for a free consultation call!
Remember, reparenting is not a one-size-fits-all, nor is it a magic or instant fix. Like all healing, reparenting is a process of self-discovery and growth. Try to be patient — and compassionate — with yourself as you navigate the process, which often involves creating new core beliefs (talk about hard work!). This is the path toward cultivating a more positive and fulfilling relationship with yourself and the world around you.
You got this!
