How to Ask for Help as a (Recovering) People-Pleaser
Do you often find yourself going out of your way to accommodate others, even at the expense of your own needs and well-being?
Does the thought of asking for help fill you with anxiety, guilt, shame, or fear?
If you're nodding in agreement, you might be a (recovering) people-pleaser — and for many people-pleasers, asking for help might feel like trying to build a piece of furniture when the instructions are in another language.
Why? Well, one major aspect of people-pleasing is pushing your own needs aside to accommodate others... which means you might be out of practice about how to ask for help. Are you even allowed to do that? Is that a form of taking advantage of friends and family?
Although messages you’ve received throughout your life may have taught you otherwise, the truth is this: whoever your support system might be, it's okay to ask them for help when you need it. It's okay to reach out. It's okay to not be able to do everything on your own. Being mindful of others' boundaries does not mean that you aren't allowed to ever ask for anything. Generally, your loved ones *want* to be there for you when they can be.
People-Pleasing: A Double-Edged Sword
People-pleasing, at its core, is the attempt to gain approval, avoid conflict, and maintain peace in your relationships by accommodating or pleasing others. This is a common (and unhealthy 😬) way of trying to gain acceptance from others. While on the surface, it may seem like a selfless act, it often comes at a significant cost to your own well-being. Over time, people-pleasing becomes deeply ingrained in your behavior and thought patterns. You believe that saying "yes" to every request and always being there for others is the path to love and acceptance.
And as you might guess, constantly putting others first can lead to burnout, resentment, and an eroded sense of self.
Why is Asking for Help So Difficult?
Fear of rejection: Humans are social creatures, which means we crave acceptance and belonging. When we feel rejected, it can make us question ourselves or our worth. People-pleasers especially have spent so much of their lives trying to be what others want them to be that they may fear that asking for help might make them seem vulnerable or needy. They worry that others might say "no" or see them as a burden.
Guilt and self-blame: People-pleasers tend to carry a heavy burden of guilt. They often feel guilty for taking up someone else's time or resources, or for potentially inconveniencing someone else. They often blame themselves for needing help, believing they should be self-sufficient or able to navigate things on their own.
Perfectionism: Many people-pleasers are also perfectionists. They may want to appear like they have everything under control, and asking for help can feel like an admission of failure. They may also fear that others will think less of them if they see their vulnerabilities.
Lack of practice: Since people-pleasers have spent so long prioritizing others' needs, they often lack practice in asserting their own — or even knowing what their own needs are. There is usually often fear about what will happen if they reach out for help. This makes the act of asking for help feel foreign, uncomfortable, and overwhelming.
Trauma: Many people-pleasers develop these patterns as a result of trauma, often from a dysfunctional family dynamic or a toxic relationship. These behaviors may have been learned as a survival tactic, that keeping others happy was a pathway to safety. This can make it incredibly scary to think about asking for help.
How to Ask For Help as a (Recovering) People-Pleaser
1. Practice self-compassion.
This has to be step one, because without this, those deeply ingrained beliefs (“I don’t deserve help”; “I need to do this on my own”) will continue. Instead, try to be kind to yourself. Understand that you are on a journey — one that is in progress — to learn about your own needs and how to get them met. You will make mistakes along the way, and that's okay.
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same understanding and forgiveness that you would offer a loved one. This might look like rehearsing some positive affirmations to remind you of your process, reframing your self-talk toward more curiosity and forgiveness than judgment, or simply grounding yourself with the reminder that you deserve the same kindness you give freely to others.
2. Challenge negative beliefs.
Take a moment to reflect on the beliefs that hold you back from asking for help. Are these beliefs based on reality, or are they rooted in your past people-pleasing behaviors? Do these beliefs come from someone else (like a past partner or parent)? Is that person a reliable narrator to be telling you how to act? As you begin to understand the origins of your people-pleasing patterns, you can begin to challenge this default and gain a more realistic, and ultimately more helpful, perspective.
For example, you might be thinking that someone will get upset with you if you ask for help. While that’s a possible outcome, does that seem likely based on what you know of this person? Where did you learn that people aren’t willing to help you? Even if they do get upset, does that mean it’s your fault, or is that a reflection of their own emotional dysregulation? Reminding yourself of these alternative perspectives can be a helpful tool in building your confidence to ask for help from loved ones.
If you need more help with this, I talk more about challenging negative beliefs here.
3. Start small.
If you’re expecting yourself to be able to go from people-pleasing as a default to suddenly asking for something that feels incredibly vulnerable, I’m going to gently ask you to adjust your expectations. However, you can easily build up to those bigger goals by starting small. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that.
Begin by making small requests to friends or loved ones. These could be as simple as asking someone to listen while you talk about your day or requesting assistance with a minor task. Gradually, as you become more comfortable with these small asks, you can work your way up to more significant requests. I stand by my statement that in most cases, your loved ones want to support you — you just have to give them the opportunity. Generally, the stakes will feel a bit lower if you start with something small, giving you the confidence to keep going.
4. Rehearse what you might say in advance.
One of my favorite strategies for doing something outside your comfort zone is to rehearse beforehand. It might seem silly, but if you practice articulating the words in advance, over time, your anxiety may decrease and, even more, your body may begin to feel less activated. You’ll be less likely to stumble over your words or get derailed by someone’s (real or perceived) reaction.
Start by brainstorming a few bullet points of what you might want to say. Once you have a few phrases ready, try speaking them in the mirror. If you have a trusted loved one to practice with, that can also be helpful. Notice how it feels to express these foreign words. Are there any changes you’d like to make after saying it out loud? Get curious during this process and go from there.
5. Eliminate filler words.
It can be tempting to add words like “It’s okay if not!” or “don’t worry if you can’t” but these filler words are undermining. You are allowed to ask for help, just like the person you’re asking has the right to accept or decline. My clients will tell you I’m a stickler for being intentional with our language because we are constantly teaching others how to treat us by the way we treat — and advocate for — ourselves.
As you start practicing assertiveness, it’s okay if some of this old language slips back in. The goal is to eventually embody the belief that you are worthy of asking for what you need, regardless of the response you get. Over time and with practice, the stakes will gradually feel lower, and you may find yourself becoming comfortable with being more direct. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still be kind or mindful of others’ feelings — you can be kind and still express your own needs, too!
6. Manage your expectations of others.
In a perfect world, asking for help or setting boundaries would lead to everyone being able to respect everyone else’s needs and we would frolic through fields holding hands. Unfortunately, people-pleasers know that this doesn’t always happen. And this is often the scary part when we think about asking for help — what if they say no?!
Here’s the thing: You are not responsible for how others choose to react. Your role here is to communicate honestly, and then the baton will pass to the other person for their response. Even if someone declines, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t necessarily mean they are upset with you. And even if someone is upset with you, I invite you to repeat this mantra: “I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. I am only responsible for how I choose to communicate my own.” This could be an opportunity for a reparative conversation later, or at the very least, could provide insight to your relationship with that person. Also, side note — doing something outside your comfort zone can be quite anxiety-inducing, so I recommend utilizing some grounding techniques both before and after you practice asking for help. This will help you stay centered in case
Breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing and learning to ask for help is a transformative journey that allows you to reclaim your identity and nurture your own well-being. Sounds great, right?!
Remember that asking for help doesn't make you weak — it makes you human. By recognizing your worth, challenging negative beliefs, and starting small, you can gradually learn how to stop these patterns in their tracks.
Because at the end of the day, your well-being matters.
If you’re a recovering people-pleaser looking for more tools to prioritize yourself, download the FREE self-care planner here!
