What is Gaslighting? – and 5 Ways to Cope With It

Sep 4

“Gaslighting” has become a well-known buzzword in TikTok mental health circles, but what actually is it?

Basically, the term “gaslighting” originates from a play called "Gas Light" where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she's losing her mind by dimming the gaslights in their home — all while denying it. IRL, gaslighting is often more damaging than arguing about dimmed lights. Gaslighting is a covert, gradual manipulation tactic that eventually causes someone to question their own sense of reality or sanity. It's like they're trying to make you doubt your own thoughts, feelings, and memories. When gaslighting goes on long enough, it twists the truth until you're left questioning your reality.

Not to be dramatic, but gaslighting is 100% a tactic of psychological warfare.

Picture this: you're having a conversation with someone close to you, and suddenly, they start denying that they ever said what you distinctly remember them saying. It's like they're rewriting history, leaving you baffled and wondering if you're losing your memory. Or maybe you confide in a friend about something hurtful they did, and their response is, "You're just being too sensitive." It's as if your emotions are being brushed aside, leaving you feeling like you're overreacting. But the thing is, you’re not being too sensitive; you’re being gaslit (intentionally or otherwise).

Gaslighting often happens in close relationships — friends, romantic partners, family members, and even coworkers can be guilty of gaslighting. Sometimes, we can even be guilty of gaslighting ourselves!

Here are some signs to watch out for:

💥Denying they did or said something that you know they did
💥Attempting to blame you or discredit you (to make you seem unstable or “crazy”)
💥Weaponizing positive reinforcement or kind words
💥Minimizing, invalidating, or brushing aside your thoughts and feelings
💥”Rewriting history” to reflect their own perspective
💥Saying things to make you question your reality
💥Behaving in ways that don’t match their words
💥Isolating you from other loved ones by making you doubt the validity of your experience
💥Making you feel like you’re crazy, being too sensitive, or are always wrong

Does this sound familiar? Perhaps you had a parent growing up who would invalidate your experience like this, or a partner who often made you question your reality. Perhaps you struggle with impostor syndrome, and talk yourself into minimizing your accomplishments.

The impact of gaslighting can be profound. So… how do you cope?

5 Ways to Cope With Gaslighting

1. Learn to trust your gut

Your gut is like that wise friend who’s seen it all and knows when something’s sketchy. Your brain quietly processes a ton of info in the background, which culminates in your gut instinct letting you know if something doesn’t feel right. We know that gaslighting often starts small, like a sprinkle of doubt here and a pinch of distortion there — your gut, though, does a double-take. It's like, “Hold up, that doesn’t sound quite right.” So, give yourself permission to listen to those hesitations. Your gut's the Hermione Granger to your Harry Potter, and it's onto something.

Gaslighting thrives in the shadows of self-doubt, so it’s important to nurture the relationship with your nervous system and learn its cues. When you notice yourself second-guessing something that your gut is trying to communicate with you, be curious about it, rather than assuming you’re in the wrong. That’s what gaslighters want you to do, but you deserve the opportunity to explore your own experience.

2. Start setting (and enforcing) boundaries

Look, I know this is easier said than done. But it still needs to be done.

Gaslighters will try to blur lines, so it's your job to redraw them. But remember that setting boundaries isn’t about controlling what the other person does (because we simply can’t do that), but about what you will do if someone doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. That’s why whatever consequences you decide on for your boundaries, it’s important to enforce them. If someone constantly makes you feel bad in their presence, for example, maybe it’s time to cut back on how often you see them.

People-pleasers especially might struggle with this because many of us have been conditioned to believe that boundaries are “mean” or that it’s just easier to go along with whatever that other person wants. But if you’re being gaslit, especially if it’s a pattern, it’s important to set boundaries around your interactions with this person.

The first step is to identify your own limits — your needs, your preferences, and how you want to be treated. This happens by believing that you are worthy of having your space, time, feelings, and needs respected. It can be difficult to undo years of programming of being a people-pleaser, but start by validating yourself and your feelings.

Even if communicating them verbally doesn’t feel feasible, knowing what your boundaries even are is an important first step in enforcing them. The next step is verbalizing them. This is going to depend on the situation, but when it’s safe to do, communicate your boundaries. No need for long explanations — a simple "That's not cool with me" works wonders. And remember, it’s okay to say "no." Your boundaries aren't negotiable zones. They’re your way of drawing a line in the sand and saying, "This is where I stand, and my reality is non-negotiable."

If it doesn’t feel safe to communicate assertively with a gaslighter, try practicing silence or removing yourself from the situation somehow. A “bathroom break” is always a great diversion tactic where you can take a few moments to calm yourself and validate your feelings and experiences. Remember, your safety always comes first. From there, you can slowly start to extricate yourself from the gaslighting dynamic.

3. Keep a journal

A journal might sound old-fashioned, but can be an excellent secret weapon against gaslighting. For starters, it’s a space to express your feelings. When you’re being gaslit, you likely don’t feel safe to express your truth, but writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can be cathartic.

Secondly, journaling can be a form of reality checking. When you suspect gaslighting might be happening, jot down those weird interactions, your feelings, and what actually happened. When doubt creeps in, your journal will be there to remind you of your truth.

If you prefer guided journaling, here are a few sample prompts to get you started:

Reflect on a recent situation where you felt someone was distorting your reality. Write down what happened, how you initially felt, and any doubts that crept in. Then, revisit the event and list concrete facts and observations that support your original feelings. How does this exercise help you reaffirm your truth?
Recall a time when your gut instinct whispered that something was off, even if you couldn't immediately pinpoint it. Describe the situation, your feelings, and how you eventually validated your instincts. How can you cultivate a stronger connection with your intuition as a defense against gaslighting?
Write about a recent interaction that left you feeling confused or manipulated. Detail the conversation, any gaslighting tactics you sensed, and your initial emotional reaction. Now, imagine you're offering advice to a friend in the same situation. What insights and perspectives would you share with them?
List three positive qualities or achievements about yourself that you know to be true, regardless of any attempts to diminish them. Write about how acknowledging and celebrating these truths contributes to your self-worth. How can you remind yourself of these affirmations whenever gaslighting attempts to shake your confidence?

4. Validate yourself and your experiences

Gaslighters are, unfortunately, really good at what they do. This means that it’s up to you to build internal validation rather than hoping that person will encourage you or become the supporter you want them to be. Validating yourself — and your truth — can keep you anchored when gaslighters try to create a different reality for you.

Here are a few ways to practice self-validation:

As suggested above, use a journal to track your experiences and/or express yourself
Rehearse a few mantras in difficult moments (for example: "I'm not crazy. My feelings are valid. I’m allowed to advocate for myself. I know my truth, and no one gets to rewrite it.”)
Practice assessing your reactions with curiosity rather than judgment
Use grounding techniques to practice staying in the present moment
Challenge yourself to say “no” more often (when it’s safe to do so)

Ultimately, validating yourself isn't about arrogance, it's about self-respect. Like we talked about, trust your gut, gather your evidence, and stand tall in your truth. Even if you don’t feel comfortable saying these things to the person gaslighting you, they will help you stay firmly rooted in your own truth and experiences — which is crucial for effectively getting out of a gaslighting situation.

5. Utilize a support network

We know by now that people who perpetrate gaslighting are the same people who are likely to be manipulative in other ways — including isolating you. If you have a trusted supporter in your life, share your experiences with them. For one thing, a fresh perspective can be a reality check when gaslighting has you feeling lost. For another thing, it’s an opportunity to remember what healthy interactions look and feel like, which could help you feel more empowered. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for this, as well. A good therapist will listen, validate your experiences, and help you work toward advocating for yourself.

Gaslighting is a real and harmful manipulation tactic, but with awareness, self-compassion, healthy boundaries, and support, you can learn to manage the impact of this behavior and protect yourself from buying into it.

Remember, your truth — your reality — is valid, and real, and powerful.