7 Tips to Tackle Social Anxiety (& Make New Friends as An Adult)

Aug 20

Humans are social creatures. We crave togetherness, belonging, and acceptance, and yet, the older we get, the harder it seems to be to keep an effective social circle.

As children, it’s often easier to make and maintain friendships. There’s the proximity bias of having repeatedly close contact in classes or extracurricular activities, and then the generally lower standards of youthful friendships (no shade here — my only criteria for friends in my teens was whether I thought they would be fun to hang out with after school or not, whereas now I care about whether they voted for someone trying to take away basic human rights, ya know?).

Making friends as an adult, then, can be a daunting and challenging task. What if all your coworkers are 20 years older than you? What if you’re too busy to go to events where you can mingle and meet other people? What if you choke up every time you’re in a situation where you have to instigate a topic of conversation? What if you vibe with someone at a party but then find out their political views are soooo off from yours? (Full disclosure: all of these things have happened to me.)

For folks battling social anxiety in addition to busy schedules, it can be especially difficult to create and maintain meaningful relationships as an adult.

So, how can you begin to tackle your social anxiety? Let’s talk about 7 different ways to do this…

1. Acknowledge your triggers.

Anxiety impacts everybody differently, so it’s important to know what causes you to stress out about a social situation. Once you begin noticing your triggers, you gain a better understanding which situations, thoughts, and behaviors make your anxiety worse. This helps you better equip yourself for situations that might cause anxiety. For example, as a natural extrovert, I’m totally fine to approach random people at social events and strike up a random conversation. But I get super anxious about being watched while I’m trying to do something. So, I’ve learned to keep my eyes focused on a particular target, or keep something in my pocket that I can fidget with while I”m doing it, so I don’t get as distracted by my anxiety.

2. Challenge negative thought patterns.

Most of the time, thoughts are automatic. Something happens, your brain interprets it in some way (usually based on your past experiences or beliefs), you experience an emotional response based on that story and, as a result, behave in some way. The problem is that these thought patterns are often based on assumptions or distorted interpretations of events, making them inaccurate and unhelpful. It’s common for folks to simply assume their thoughts are true, but it’s important to challenge the validity of your negative thoughts so you gain a more realistic, and ultimately more helpful, perspective.

For example, you might be thinking that someone will judge you if you say the wrong thing or do something awkward. The reality is, though, that most people are so absorbed in their own lives, they aren’t actually paying you any attention. And even if something a little embarrassing did happen, we all make mistakes, and everybody knows that. Reminding yourself of this can be a helpful tool in building your confidence to put yourself out there.

3. Practice mindfulness + use grounding strategies.

Anxiety is not just a cognitive process — it exists in the body, too. The “emotional” part of your brain (aka your limbic system, aka the part of the brain responsible for your sympathetic nervous system) gets activated when you feel anxious. Your body might think you’re in a fight-or-flight situation when you’re actually just trying to figure out how to talk to someone at an event because your friend disappeared. Even if you’re not in a confronting-a-bear-in-the-forest situation, your body still has a physiological response.

Mindfulness and grounding skills are super helpful when your body is activated. The process of “mindfulness” or “grounding” simply refers to bringing your mind and body back to the present moment. When anxiety strikes, the brain might “time-travel” to the past (where something traumatic happened) or to a perceived future (where we are afraid of some negative outcome). By utilizing sensory grounding exercises, like deep breathing, or the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise, or some kind of visualization, you can help your body calm down so that you can stay present and respond to the situation — rather than impulsively react. Here are a few examples:

How to do the 4-7-8 breathing exercise: Inhale deeply for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and then exhale for 8 counts. Repeat at least 2-3 times to lower your heart rate.

How to do the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise: Notice and identify 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

(Want more ideas for mindfulness and grounding skills? Download the free self-care planner to get a whole list!)

4. Avoid unhelpful coping mechanisms

Avoidance is the #1 most common — and most unhelpful — coping strategy for social anxiety. Most therapists will tell you that the best approach here would be to expose yourself (gradually and incrementally) to situations that make you anxious so that you learn how to successfully navigate and cope with them. Avoidance is, after all, like a boomerang. It can feel good in the moment as a “solution” to

Here’s another thing to consider: have you ever taken a shot or had a cocktail before a social event to “take the edge off?” Remember that alcohol is a depressant, so too much of it could actually make your anxiety worse. Plus, what we don’t want is a reliance on alcohol, or any other substance, to the point where you feel like you can’t socialize without it.

These are just examples to get you thinking. What coping mechanisms do you rely on for your social anxiety? Are they actually helpful?

5. Rehearse social skills.

Part of why many folks lean toward avoidance as a coping mechanism is because they lack confidence that when faced with a difficult situation, they can overcome it. One of the best ways to tackle social anxiety, then, is to do the exact opposite: to put yourself in situations where you can practice! This might be simulated with friends or family (or a therapist) first, before actually going into a real situation, and that’s okay. This process can include rehearsing anything that makes you anxious — what to say to the barista at the coffee shop, ideas for small talk to use at parties, how to order at a restaurant, and even what to do if there is an awkward or uncomfortable moment. The more you’re able to identify language to use, practice verbal and nonverbal communication, and learn how to manage potential challenges, you will feel more prepared doing those things in real situations.

6. Gradually expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.

I discussed this earlier, but this is an important part of the process. I recommend working with a therapist for this part, but there’s plenty of ways to do this on your own! If you’d like to work up to socializing in a big crowd of strangers, for example, how can you break that down into gradual steps? Perhaps the first time you try, you have a trusted friend with you as a buffer. Perhaps the next time, you go alone, but only try to talk to 1-2 people. Practicing in lower-stakes situations will help you gain confidence and work up to whatever your eventual goal is.

7. Acknowledge what you do well.

The brain typically skews negative and it can hyperfixate on alllll the things we feel like we’ve done wrong. It’s important to look for small wins and silver linings as you practice social skills and navigate your social anxiety. Even if you did or said something that you feel awkward about, challenge yourself to notice anything that you might have done or said that went well. Maybe your joke landed perfectly and everyone laughed. Maybe you were able to discover a common interest with someone and you were able to have a conversation about it. Maybe you can just be proud of yourself for trying something scary. It’s crucial to acknowledge these moments because it helps challenge any beliefs you may have about your social skills, abilities, or worthiness. Every step, no matter how small, is a step toward the change you want to see!

Once you’re able to navigate social situations with a bit more ease, you can begin exploring new ways to create and maintain social connections. Again, without the natural proximity bias that happens in youth, it can be difficult to know where to start.

so, Here are some ideas for ways to make new friends as an adult:

Go to events that align with your own interests (for example, dance socials or open mic nights)
Join a local group (need some inspo? Try a church choir, hiking meetup, or book club)
Find a local watering hole (like a bar, bookstore, or coffee shop) to frequent and get to know the locals
Join a community sports league in your area
Check whether your city has a local Facebook group
Find a local organization to volunteer at
Strike up conversation at the gym or your favorite workout classes
Sign up for a class (need some inspo? Try a cooking class, language course, or leadership skills class)
Leverage your existing social circle to meet new people
Get on the apps (Bumble BFF anyone?)
Swipe through your contacts and send a simple check-in message to someone you haven’t connected with in awhile

While it can be challenging to make new friends and build meaningful relationships as an adult, you can make new connections and build lasting bonds — even with social anxiety. Remember, the journey to making new friends starts with understanding your social anxiety and taking action towards addressing it.

So, go out there, be kind, and connect with other like-minded individuals! You got this!