5 Ways Anxiety Can Affect Your Sex Life and What to Do About It

Raise your hand if anxiety has ever felt like it’s taken over your life… 🙋🏻‍♀️

Among so many other consequences (impacted sleep, physical ailments, social challenges, impacted work performance, and many more…) anxiety can also creep into your bedroom, affecting your sex life.

Ugh.

So, what does anxiety have to do with sex?

Anxiety triggers the body’s stress response, which involves the release of hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. While these hormones are essential for managing acute stress, chronic stress or anxiety can disrupt your body’s equilibrium, affecting both physical and emotional aspects of intimacy. For example, when you're anxious, your mind is often preoccupied with worries or intrusive thoughts, which obviously make it difficult to be present and engaged during intimate moments. And when this is happening, your body is usually shutting down in some way too.

Here are 5 ways anxiety can impact sexual intimacy:

1. Reduced libido.

Anxiety can lead to a decrease in sexual desire. When your mind is consumed with stress and worry, it’s challenging to switch gears and feel aroused. This can create a cycle of frustration and further anxiety about sexual performance and desire. On a physical level, the heightened cortisol from chronic stress or anxiety can reduce libido, making it difficult to feel aroused or even interested in sexual activity. 

2. Feelings of insecurity or inadequacy.

Anxiety is almost always often intertwined with feelings of inadequacy, fear of some catastrophic outcome, or some other insecurity. When you add in the pressure to perform sexually, or to even be “ready” for sexual intimacy when you’re not in the mood, that pressure can amplify the insecurity or inadequacy you may already be feeling. This obviously kills the pleasure that can come from sex, and makes it difficult to connect with your partner(s).

3. Being emotionally disconnected from your partner(s).

Anxiety — and the above feelings that come with it — often leads to emotional withdrawal and difficulty communicating openly with a partner. This emotional disconnect can create barriers to intimacy, making it hard to feel close and connected during sex, or to even communicate about the challenges you’re having. Over time, this repeated cycle of emotional disconnect, avoidance or dissociation during intimacy, and the subsequent negative reinforcement can make one or all partners feel dissatisfied in the relationship.

4. Difficulty with sexual performance or physical discomfort.

Chronic stress and anxiety have a physiological impact, too. Just like we carry tension in various parts of the body, it can lead to physical symptoms that impact sexual activity. One major side effect of stress in men, for example, is erectile dysfunction, because the stress response can interfere with the signals between the brain and the body needed to achieve and maintain an erection. In folks of all genders, anxiety can also affect the ability to reach orgasm (for both physical and mental reasons — the constant state of tension and overthinking can make it hard to relax enough to experience sexual pleasure fully). If physical discomfort gets to be too much, from anxiety symptoms such as muscle tension and increased heart rate, folks may find themselves avoiding sexual intimacy altogether.

5. Avoidance of intimacy altogether.

For the reasons listed above as well as many other factors, chronic stress and anxiety can lead to an overall avoidance of sexual intimacy. This avoidance of intimate connection often leads to more feelings of guilt, pressure, low self-esteem, and dissatisfaction in the relationship. 

Sex is meant to be pleasurable for all parties and, obviously, none of this sounds very fun. If you feel like your anxiety is starting to ruin your sex life, here are some things to try:

Communicate openly. 

Talk to your partner(s) about your anxiety and how it’s affecting you, including your sex life. Open communication allows for your partner(s) to understand where you’re coming from and support you in that. This is especially important because partners may interpret your struggles with intimacy as a lack of attraction to them. Letting them know what’s going on for you can help not only to alleviate your own anxiety and pressure to perform, but also help ensure that they don’t mistakenly assume that they’re the problem, leading to more conflict or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Ultimately, effective communication creates a supportive environment where all partners feel safe to express their needs and concerns.

Create a relaxing (or exciting) environment.

Set the mood for intimacy by creating a relaxing or exciting environment, depending on the experience you’re seeking. Dim the lights, play music that facilitates the mood you’re looking for, and eliminate distractions. It can be difficult to just “turn off” the stress or anxiety of a given moment and transition into relaxation or excitement for intimacy, but environmental cues can help. This is also an opportunity to facilitate positive sensations: Would a scented candle help escalate the mood? Would satin sheets or a comfortable blanket feel good on the skin? Is there feel-good music in the background to enhance the experience? This step is about utilizing your five senses and the environment around you to create a space that feels safe, comfortable, and promotes intimacy.

Practice mindfulness.

At its core, mindfulness is the practice of being aware of the present moment. Why is this helpful for addressing anxiety as it shows up in the bedroom? Anxiety causes your brain to spiral in a million directions rather than focusing on here-and-now sensations and awareness. Mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing, grounding in your environment, and progressive muscle relaxation can help reduce anxiety and increase present-moment awareness. Practicing mindfulness regularly can make it easier to stay present and engaged during intimate moments. And even during intimacy, you can incorporate mindfulness. Allow yourself to focus on pleasurable sensations, take a moment to pause and notice details of your partner, or tune in to the environment around you. All of these strategies help to slow down your anxious brain and refocus your attention.

Take care of your physical body.

Are your most basic physical needs being met? For example, if you’re barely getting any sleep (a common side effect of anxiety), sex is going to be the last thing on your mind, especially if it’s typically a nighttime activity. If you’re feeling lethargic from food choices or being sedentary, sex may feel too physically demanding. And while these are all perfectly valid reasons not to engage in sexual activity, the key is to take care of your body so you can choose to participate when you want to. Taking care of your physical body means prioritizing sleep, engaging in regular exercise (which helps regulate stress hormones, improve mood, and boost your energy levels), limiting substances such as alcohol or caffeine, which can exacerbate anxiety and interfere with sexual function, and make food choices that help your body feel its best.

Explore new intimacy practices, and take the pressure off.

Although it sounds counter-intuitive, sometimes changing things up can help reduce anxiety. Whether you’re in a committed relationship or engaging in sexual relationships as a single person, try exploring new forms of intimacy that don’t involve traditional sex — such as sensual massages, mutual masturbation, or simply spending time being physically close without the pressure of sex. This can help build emotional intimacy, often a prerequisite to physical intimacy, and reduce performance anxiety by focusing on the present (positive physical sensations) instead of outcomes (achieving orgasm). If and when you’re ready to incorporate a happy ending, be sure to keep this intention. Prioritize foreplay to really facilitate connection with your partner(s) and focus on pleasurable sensations instead of fast-forwarding through the rest. Explore opportunities to try new things during all stages of sexual intimacy, which can look like anything from new locations to new positions to trying out different kinds of touch or talk. This should also be an ongoing conversation prior to intimacy to ensure all parties are comfortable with trying these intimacy practices. 

Seek professional help.

It can be difficult to talk about sex, but therapy is the perfect place to do so without feeling shame or judgment. A trained professional can help you identify underlying blockages to intimacy, work through your anxiety and those pesky feelings of inadequacy, and develop tools and strategies to navigate these challenges — either solo or with your partner(s).

It’s important to be patient with yourself and your partner(s) in navigating these challenges. Anxiety is (unfortunately) a common issue, but with awareness, open communication, mindfulness, and a few lifestyle adjustments, it’s possible to manage anxiety and maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life.