Ask a Therapist: How Do I Deal With Feeling Insecure in My Relationship?

Jun 25

Dear therapist, I’m in a happy relationship with someone that I love very much, but I find myself often feeling insecure, or worried that they’ll leave me because I’m too much or not enough. My partner has never said anything like this, but it’s a deeply ingrained fear I have. How do I deal with these insecurities in my relationship?

Laura Sgro, LCSW: Thank you for this super relatable question! Here’s the thing: so many people struggle with feeling insecure in their relationship; it’s more common than you might think.

Insecurity within a relationship can look a lot of different ways: doubting your partner's feelings for you, worrying that they might leave you or that you're not enough for them, second-guessing your worth in your relationship, craving reassurance and validation from your partner, feeling like you have to earn their love and approval… you get the idea. Ultimately, it often comes down to a fear of rejection and abandonment, but if you’re not careful, this anxiety can overshadow the joys of being in a relationship.

While it's natural to seek a sense of security and reassurance in a relationship, chronic insecurity can obviously be damaging. It can lead to constant anxiety, misunderstandings, and even conflict with your partner. Over time, this pattern can erode the trust and connection between you, making it harder to enjoy the relationship. (Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?!)

So, what can you do about it? The first step is to understand that your feelings of insecurity are valid and worth addressing. It's not about blaming yourself or your partner, but rather about finding ways to nurture your own sense of self-worth and confidence. It's like building a strong foundation for a house — without it, everything else can crumble.

Why do folks feel insecure in relationships?

Insecurity in relationships can stem from various sources — past traumas, previous relationship experiences, low self-esteem, or even the dynamics of your current relationship. It's important to recognize that feeling insecure doesn't mean you're weak or unworthy. It simply means you're human. We all have vulnerabilities, and it's okay to acknowledge them. Understanding the root cause of your insecurity is the first step toward addressing it. Here are some common reasons why people might feel insecure in their relationships:

Negative past experiences: Previous relationships, especially those that ended badly or involved betrayal, can leave emotional scars. If your previous partner constantly told you that you were “too much” or “not enough” it makes sense that you’d carry those fears into your next relationship. These past traumas can make it difficult to trust new partners fully.
Self-esteem issues: Low self-esteem can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of love and respect, it’s easy to project those feelings onto your relationship.
Attachment styles: Your attachment style, often developed in childhood, can influence how you relate to your partner. Those with anxious attachment styles may be more prone to insecurity. If you and your partner have different attachment styles, it can lead to one or both partners feeling insecure about how their partner might feel about them.
Comparison: In the age of social media, it’s easy to compare your relationship to others. These comparisons can create unrealistic expectations and foster feelings of inadequacy.
Lack of communication: Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings and unmet needs, which can fuel insecurity. When partners aren’t open and honest with each other, it’s easy to assume the worst.

As scary as it is, it’s crucial to address these insecurities — both with yourself and your partner — for a few reasons. Sweeping these things under the rug usually doesn’t make them go away. But facing them head-on creates opportunities for building trust, improving meaningful communication, and facilitating greater care within your relationship.

Feeling ready? Here are some strategies to try:

1. Communicate openly with your partner.

One of the most effective ways to combat insecurity is through open and honest communication. Although it’s scary to be vulnerable, it’s a necessary part of relationships. In healthy relationships, partners can be a safe container for one another to actively listen, provide reassurance, and support each other’s needs. To communicate openly, start by being honest about your feelings without blaming or accusing your partner. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel anxious when..." or "I need reassurance about...," to express your needs and emotions. Listen actively to your partner’s responses with empathy and understanding, even if it brings up difficult feelings. That’s okay! You can take breaks or use coping strategies to manage any challenging feelings that arise. I recommend regularly checking in with each other not just about any issues that come up, but also positive aspects of your relationship. Set aside dedicated time for these conversations, free from distractions. Remember, partners can’t be mind readers!

2. Focus on building your self-worth.

At its core, insecurity comes from low self-esteem and self-worth. When you value yourself, you are less likely to seek constant validation from your partner and more likely to approach the relationship from a place of confidence and stability. Higher self-worth allows you to feel deserving of love and respect, with less fear that you are not enough or that your partner might leave you. A stronger sense of self can withstand the ups and downs of any relationship. To build your self-worth, start by practicing self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, whether those are hobbies, social events, or physical activities.. Surround yourself with positive influences — people who uplift and support you. Additionally, challenge negative self-talk by replacing it with affirmations that reinforce your strengths and worthiness. By investing in yourself and recognizing your intrinsic value, you not only boost your own confidence but also contribute to a healthier, more secure relationship.

3. Challenge negative thoughts.

Insecurity often stems from negative (and usually inaccurate or irrational) thought patterns. Your mind can sometimes be your own worst enemy, creating stories and assumptions that fuel anxiety and doubt. Challenge these thoughts by questioning their validity. Ask yourself if there’s concrete evidence to support your fears or if you’re assuming the worst without basis. By actively questioning and reframing these negative thoughts, you can learn to separate irrational fears from reality, allowing you to approach your relationship with a clearer and more positive mindset. To challenge negative thoughts, start by identifying them. Notice when you're thinking things like, "I'm not good enough," or "My partner will leave me." Once you recognize these thoughts, ask yourself if there is concrete evidence to support them. Replace negative thoughts with positive reminders, such as, "I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love," or "My partner values and cares for me” (bonus points for making a list of ways you feel cared for by your partner). Techniques such as keeping a journal to track and refute negative thoughts can also be incredibly helpful. By challenging and reframing your thoughts, you can reduce the impact of insecurity on your relationship.

4. Try to avoid comparisons.

Comparing yourself or your relationship to others will most likely only perpetuate your insecurity. While it's easy to fall into the trap of scrolling through social media and seeing seemingly perfect relationships, thinking that you're missing out or not measuring up, the truth is this: what you see online is often just a highlight reel, not the full picture. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and comparing your reality to someone else's curated moments is unfair to both you and your partner. Instead of focusing on what others have, try to appreciate the unique qualities of your own relationship. Celebrate your partner's strengths and the special moments you share together. Identify areas of growth that the two of you can work toward to increase your fulfillment in your relationship. By shifting your focus from comparison to gratitude, you can foster a deeper connection and a stronger sense of security in your relationship.

5. Strengthen your relationship’s foundation and build trust.

Building — or strengthening — a strong foundation and fostering trust are essential for reducing insecurity in any relationship. When you and your partner consistently show up for each other, keep promises, and communicate honestly, you create a reliable and secure environment. This mutual trust reassures you that your partner is committed and dependable, alleviating many common fears and doubts. To do this, engage in activities that bring you closer, whether it’s through shared hobbies, regular date nights, or simply spending quality time together. Enhancing your emotional connection and creating positive experiences together can help you feel more secure in your relationship. Trust-building exercises, such as sharing personal stories or discussing future plans, can also reinforce your bond. Open and honest communication is key — share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with your partner, and listen to theirs with empathy.

6. Establish boundaries within your relationship.

Although setting boundaries with a partner can feel counterintuitive or scary — especially when you’re already feeling “too much” — this is actually a crucial practice for maintaining a healthy dynamic and reducing insecurity. Boundaries help define what is acceptable and what is not, ensuring that both partners feel respected and understood. When you establish clear boundaries, you create a safe space where you can express your needs, fears, and desires without fear of judgment or rejection. This openness fosters trust and security, allowing both partners to feel more confident in the relationship. Whether it's setting limits on time spent together versus apart, discussing how to handle disagreements, or defining personal space and privacy, clear boundaries help prevent misunderstandings and build a foundation of trust. When both partners feel secure in knowing what to expect, it minimizes anxiety and strengthens the bond, creating a more stable and fulfilling relationship.

7. Practice awareness and mindfulness of the present moment.

Mindfulness helps you focus on the here and now, rather than getting lost in worries about the past or future. This present-moment awareness helps you truly appreciate your partner and the relationship as it is, rather than comparing it to some idealized version in your head. It allows you to recognize and savor the small, everyday moments of connection and affection that might otherwise go unnoticed. Plus, by staying present, you can better manage your reactions and emotions. Instead of letting anxious thoughts spiral out of control, mindfulness helps you observe these thoughts without judgment and let them pass. This makes it easier to communicate openly with your partner and address any issues calmly and constructively.

8. Provide a safe space for your partner’s feelings and needs as well.

It’s possible that there are times your partner may be feeling insecure or may have different needs that require space to be heard. When your partner feels heard and understood, it strengthens their sense of safety and acceptance within the relationship, which in turn better equips them to provide the same container for you — making it easier for both of you to express your vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or rejection. To provide this safe space, practice active listening by giving your full attention, acknowledging their feelings, and responding with empathy. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their concerns, even if they seem minor to you. Encourage open dialogue by asking gentle, open-ended questions that invite your partner to share more about their thoughts and emotions. Validate their experiences by saying things like, "I understand why you feel that way," or "It's okay to feel upset." By consistently offering support and understanding, you help your partner feel valued and secure, which in turn reduces insecurity for both of you and strengthens the overall health of your relationship.

Feeling insecure within your relationship is a common challenge, but it doesn’t have to dictate your relationship. Relationships are an ongoing journey, and feeling secure in them requires continuous work and mutual support. By taking proactive steps, you can create a loving and stable environment where both you and your partner feel valued and understood.