People-Pleasing Doesn’t Help You — Here Are 6 Things That Will

May 15

Do you often find yourself saying yes when you want to say no? Do you constantly prioritize others' needs over your own, even to your detriment? If so, you might be a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is something that many of us are all too familiar with, whether we realize it or not.

As a recovering people-pleaser myself, I understand the struggle all too well. It was something I noticed creeping into my life during my late teens and early twenties. I wanted to be liked, to fit in, and to ensure everyone around me was comfortable and happy, even at the expense of my own well-being. I hated conflict and hated the idea of someone being upset with me, so I would try my best to be pleasant and navigate situations with others’ needs in mind.

You can, of course, genuinely care about others’ happiness — being empathetic is not the same as being a people-pleaser. This term refers to feeling a constant need to make others happy, to be agreeable rather than “difficult,” and to avoid conflict at all costs… even when it’s detrimental to you.

Despite the temporary sense of satisfaction or peace, people-pleasing is ultimately unhealthy. It can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and a loss of self-identity. When you prioritize others' needs over your own, you often end up neglecting yourself, leading to resentment and frustration. It's like putting everyone else's oxygen mask on first and forgetting to secure your own (the flight attendants WILL yell at you for this 👀). Over time, this pattern erodes your sense of self-worth and makes you feel like you're only valuable when you're serving others.

Why do we become people-pleasers? At its core, people-pleasing is a defense mechanism. It’s also a type of avoidance. Both of these habits can originate from various wounds in childhood or adulthood — things like traumatic experiences, perfectionism, guilt, fear of rejection, or dysfunctional family dynamics can create this behavioral pattern.

But the truth is this: even if it helped to “keep the peace,” people-pleasing doesn't help you. It just keeps the tension.

Why should you stop people-pleasing? Well, it can lead to…

Burnout and exhaustion
Perpetual stress
Loss of self-identity
Unhealthy (or nonexistent) boundaries
Temporary, superficial validation
Avoidance of conflict (and therefore, avoidance of growth in relationships)
Resentment, frustration, and unsatisfying relationships

Here are 6 things that will help you instead:

1. Get to know yourself, your values, and your needs.

Understanding your own values, needs, and preferences is a fundamental step in establishing your identity independent of others' expectations or desires. Doing this work allows you to make decisions based on what actually matters to you, rather than striving to meet external approval (which is an often exhausting and unending process). When you are clear about your values and needs, you can communicate them more effectively to others, which means you’re better equipped to set and enforce boundaries. This doesn't mean you disregard the feelings or needs of others, but rather that you approach interactions with a balanced perspective. Engaging in introspective activities such as journaling, meditation, or therapy can facilitate this process, helping you to clarify your priorities and reinforce your self-worth.

2. Stop apologizing for things you don’t need to be sorry for.

Often, people-pleasers apologize for situations or actions that either a) don’t really need an apology, or b) aren’t actually their fault! This, of course, reflects the subconscious effort to maintain harmony or avoid conflict. Recognizing and stopping this habit can significantly bolster your confidence and help you communicate more assertively; it also shifts how you view your role in your relationships and interactions. Instead of apologizing when it’s unnecessary, being assertive reinforces the idea that your actions and presence are valid and not inherently disruptive or bothersome. Start by observing the situations in which you typically say sorry and assess whether an apology is truly needed. This will help you become more aware of your automatic responses and the motivations behind them.

3. Remember you can’t control others and aren’t responsible for their reactions.

This one is really, really tough. But once you internalize the realization that you can’t control other people, and you are not responsible for their reactions, you are liberated from the burden of trying to constantly adjust your behavior to make others happy. This mindset helps in setting healthier emotional boundaries, where you advocate for yourself and stay true to your values without being overly invested in the approval of others. While you are responsible for communicating with respect, you are not responsible for how others perceive you or respond to you. Remember: folks’ emotional responses are primarily based on their own perceptions, experiences, and internal state.

4. Practice boundary setting in low stakes situations.

If the stakes feel too high, boundary setting is going to feel waaaay too scary to try. Start with low stakes situations, like taking an appropriate lunch break from work or declining an invite to a social event that doesn’t interest you. The idea is to practice setting small boundaries and enforcing them in situations where you can build confidence in advocating for yourself. Starting with scenarios that don't have significant emotional investment or any major potential consequences allows you to experiment with saying no and expressing your limits without the fear of major repercussions. Each successful experience reinforces the idea that you can prioritize your needs and still maintain healthy relationships.

5. Channel your anxious energy into something helpful.

Obviously, there’s so much anxiety over the possibility of disappointing others or failing to meet their expectations. Instead of letting this anxiety fuel more people-pleasing, redirect it towards activities that are helpful and self-affirming. If you think of anxiety as energy, it can feel electric and charged, and it needs somewhere to go. My best recommendation is to channel this energy into movement — whether that’s a restorative stretching flow to regulate your nervous system or an intense kickboxing session to release the stress. Creativity is also an excellent outlet for this energy; engaging in something creative like writing, art, or music can provide a constructive way to express and process your feelings. Bonus: These activities offer a sense of accomplishment and personal fulfillment — and a healthy distraction — that doesn't depend on others’ approval.

6. Pause and take space before responding.

As a defense mechanism, people-pleasing is often automatic and impulsive. It’s the default response because it’s an ingrained habit, not because it reflects your truest feelings or desires. The goal, however, is to make intentional choices, with respect to your feelings, needs, and values, rather than give an immediate answer designed to satisfy the other person. When you’re invited somewhere or asked to do something, try to pause before responding. This can be as simple as taking a deep breath to calm the urgency in your nervous system, stepping away for a few minutes, or letting them know that you’ll get back to them later (especially if you’re being asked in an email or text message). By allowing yourself this moment to think, you can assess whether your potential response aligns with your genuine desires, values, and boundaries. Over time, this practice not only challenges the people-pleasing habit but also enhances your confidence in decision-making and self-advocacy.

Next time you catch yourself making a choice grounded in people-pleasing, try to call back some of these reminders!