7 Common Toxic Beliefs and How to Unlearn Them

The #1 reason why people reach out to me for therapy is this:

Folks are struggling with toxic, unhelpful, and self-critical thoughts.

We all have them. They often stem from past experiences, societal expectations, or deeply-rooted insecurities, and while they may have served a protective function at some point, they’re now doing more harm than good.

The annoying thing is that these toxic beliefs feel real because they've been around for so long. These beliefs often take root early in life, in childhood, when we are most impressionable. Over time, these beliefs get reinforced, becoming a part of the mental narrative we carry with us day in and day out.

But just because they feel true doesn’t mean they are true (in the therapy world, this is called emotional reasoning, and it’s a common irrational thought pattern). Toxic beliefs are often based on distorted thinking, where we mistake our emotions or past experiences for facts. For example, just because you felt rejected or unworthy in a certain situation doesn’t mean you are inherently unworthy as a person. 

The key to unlearning toxic beliefs is recognizing (and accepting) that they aren’t based on objective reality. They’re often rooted in fear, insecurity, or past wounds that haven't fully healed. Once you start reframing these thoughts as stories rather than facts, you create space for healthier, more empowering beliefs to emerge.

So, the next time a toxic belief pops up in your mind, pause and ask yourself: Is this really true? You might find that the belief feels familiar and automatic, but under closer examination, it doesn’t hold up. 

Here are 7 common toxic beliefs I’ve heard from clients, friends, or even myself… and how to unlearn them:

1. “I’m not enough.”

This belief can be incredibly pervasive, often rooted in early experiences where you may have felt inadequate, unappreciated, or judged. Over time, these feelings are reinforced by societal pressures, whether it's through comparing yourself to others on social media, striving to meet career expectations, or feeling like you don’t measure up in personal relationships. The problem, of course, is that this belief erodes your self-worth, keeping you in a constant state of anxiety, insecurity, and fear of failure.

How to unlearn it: Start by catching yourself in moments of comparison or self-criticism. These are red flags that your “I’m not enough” mindset is in play. Counteract these thoughts by practicing affirmations that center on your inherent worth, and shift your focus away from what you think you lack and toward your unique strengths and qualities. Remind yourself that you don’t have to be everything to everyone, and your value isn’t tied to external accomplishments. These reminders help disrupt the narrative that your value is conditional or dependent on external validation.

2. “If it’s not perfect, what’s the point?”

This is a classic manifestation of perfectionism. This belief convinces you that unless you can do something flawlessly, it’s not worth doing at all. While this belief might feel protective, it actually stifles your growth and keeps you stuck in fear. This mindset creates a cycle of avoidance and procrastination, keeping you from pursuing new opportunities or trying anything outside of your comfort zone. Because perfectionism creates impossible standards, you’re constantly holding yourself to unrealistic expectations and that only perpetuates the cycle of fear, perceived failure, and low self-worth.

How to unlearn it: Challenge the idea that perfection is the goal. It’s not (like, it literally can’t be). Unlearning this belief requires shifting your focus from perfection to progress. Start small by intentionally doing something imperfectly and observe how the world doesn’t fall apart because of it. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. Ask yourself, with intention, what your expectations are for the project or task you’re working on, and evaluate truthfully whether that’s a reasonable expectation to hold. Over time, you can develop more realistic standards and break the perfectionism cycle.

3. “If it makes them happy, I should just do it.”

If you’re a people-pleaser, you probably recognize this one. While helping others can be a wonderful thing, constantly putting others’ happiness above your own becomes a form of self-abandonment that can lead to exhaustion, frustration, and resentment. Over time, you may find that you’ve lost touch with your own desires and values — or believe that they don’t matter as much — as you've been too busy trying to satisfy everyone else.

How to unlearn it: Step one is to acknowledge that your happiness matters just as much as anyone else’s. You are not responsible for making everyone else happy at the expense of your own needs. Practice saying no to things that drain you and yes to things that fill your cup to reclaim your time and energy. Start by setting small boundaries; whether it’s declining an invitation that drains your energy or voicing your preferences in a group decision, each act of self-advocacy strengthens your sense of self-worth. 

4. “I’ll be happy when…”

This one is the classic "I'll be happy when I get the job, lose the weight, find the partner," etc. It’s rooted in the belief that happiness is conditional and only attainable once you’ve reached a certain milestone. While it's natural to set goals and look forward to the future, this mindset can rob you of the joy that exists in the present. When you’re constantly waiting for the next milestone, happiness becomes a moving target, always just beyond your reach. As soon as you achieve one goal, another takes its place, leaving you in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction.

How to unlearn it: It's crucial to recognize that happiness isn't something you arrive at — it’s something you can create in the present moment. Shifting your focus from "when" to "now" allows you to experience life with more presence and fulfillment. Gratitude practices can help shift your mindset by highlighting the good in your life right now. Additionally, mindfulness practices encourage you to slow down and appreciate the small, everyday moments that often go unnoticed. Remind yourself that happiness is not a destination; it’s a state of mind that you can nurture every day.

5. “If I had just done X, they wouldn’t be upset.”

This toxic belief is rooted in the idea that you're responsible for managing other people’s emotions (spoiler alert: you’re not). It usually stems from early conditioning, dysfunctional family roles, or enmeshment in relationships. This creates an overwhelming sense of responsibility and guilt, where you end up overextending yourself emotionally to avoid conflict or disappointment. It also perpetuates the false notion that your worth is tied to how well you can keep others happy, which is an impossible and exhausting task.

How to unlearn it: Recognize that you can’t control other people’s reactions — you can only control your own. Every individual is responsible for how they manage their feelings, just as you are responsible for your own. The next time someone is upset, notice your instinct to “fix” the situation, and instead remind yourself that their feelings are not within your control. Offer support if it feels right, but practice letting go of the guilt that arises when someone isn’t happy. There’s a fine line between taking accountability for doing something hurtful, and taking on the responsibility of ensuring others never get upset.

6. “I should be strong and not show my feelings.”

This is a deeply ingrained message for many, especially in a society that often glorifies self-reliance and emotional toughness. From a young age, you may have been taught, either directly or through subtle cues, that showing emotion is a sign of weakness or that it's your responsibility to always have things under control. As a result, you suppress your feelings, push through pain, and hide your struggles, believing that strength means not showing vulnerability. Over time, this can create emotional distance not only from others but also from yourself. Among other things, it often leads to isolation, inner turmoil, and burnout.

How to unlearn it: First things first, it’s important to redefine what “strength” means to you. Strength isn’t about never feeling pain or always being okay; real strength comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open, and facing the hard shit. Start by acknowledging your feelings and letting yourself experience them fully. Start by giving yourself permission to feel, without judgment or the pressure to "hold it together." Incorporate tools like journaling or creative arts if you prefer a low-stakes way to express yourself. When you feel ready, confide in someone you trust or seek support from a therapist. Each time you open up, you’re reinforcing the truth that it’s not weakness, but bravery, to allow yourself to be seen and supported in your times of need.

7. “I’m such a burden.”

This can be such a damaging and isolating thought, especially for those who struggle with low self-worth or people-pleasing tendencies. It convinces you that your needs, emotions, or even your presence are too overwhelming for others to handle. This toxic narrative can develop early on, perhaps from experiences where you felt rejected or dismissed when asking for support. Over time, it can lead to self-silencing, where you avoid reaching out for help, hide your feelings, and downplay your struggles to avoid being seen as "too much." The result is a cycle of loneliness, where you feel unseen and unheard, despite desperately needing connection.

How to unlearn it: Unlearning this belief starts with challenging its validity. Ask yourself: Would you consider a loved one a burden if they came to you for help or expressed their needs? Probably not. So why should it be different when it comes to you? The people who care about you want to support you. Remind yourself that relationships thrive on mutual care and support (so seeking support actually strengthens these bonds). Practice challenging this belief by taking small steps to ask for help and observing how others respond. You’ll likely find that the people who love you are more than willing to be there for you, just as you would be for them. And if that’s not the case, it’s worth considering whether these relationships are actually reciprocal, satisfying, and nurturing.

Naturally, unlearning these beliefs takes time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion. Start small by recognizing when they come up and challenging their validity. By challenging these beliefs, you can begin the process of replacing them with more supportive, accurate perspectives that reflect your true worth and potential. 

Over time, you'll create a mindset that supports your growth, well-being, and ability to connect more deeply with yourself and others. You're not your toxic beliefs. You can unlearn them.