7 Ways Shame Shows Up In Your Life — And How to Manage It

Ugh, shame. 

It’s that sinking, stomach-dropping, “I’m not good enough” feeling — a pervasive, definitive feeling of unworthiness.

Unlike guilt, which tells you “I did something bad” and can lead to accountability and reparative outcomes, shame screams: “I am bad.” Shame teaches you it’s not just about this one thing you did, but that you, as a person, are inherently flawed, which can shape the way you see yourself, your relationships, and the world around you.

Shame often originates in childhood, especially in environments where love felt conditional, mistakes weren’t allowed or safe to make, or emotions were met with criticism. If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, unrealistic expectations, or outright neglect or trauma, you may have internalized the belief that something about you is inherently flawed. This can then be reinforced in adulthood, through internalized societal or cultural expectations, toxic relationships, or difficult work environments.

Sometimes, the impact of shame is concrete and impossible to miss: avoiding putting yourself in situations where you may face criticism, hearing that harsh critical voice when you look in the mirror, or remembering a parent’s cruel words when trying something new or expressing yourself.

Other times, though, shame is sneaky and it can be difficult to be fully aware of the many ways it can steal your joy or opportunities. 

Here are 7 ways shame creeps up into your life:

1. Perfectionism

Shame and perfectionism go together like peanut butter and jelly, except instead of a delicious sandwich, you get chronic stress and self-doubt. If you believe that being “perfect” will protect you from criticism or rejection, that’s shame lying to you to keep you down. Perfectionism is a common side effect of the fear of being seen as “not enough” and convinces you that if you just work harder, try more, or never make a mistake, you’ll be worthy of love and belonging. Spoiler alert: Perfection is impossible, and the constant striving only reinforces the shame cycle. 

2. People-Pleasing

Do you have a hard time saying no? Do you shape-shift to keep others happy? People-pleasing comes from the fear that if you disappoint or upset someone, they’ll withdraw their love, support, or approval. This behavior can stem from growing up in an environment where your needs were dismissed, or where love felt like something you had to earn. The problem? When your sense of worth is tied to making others happy, you lose touch with what you actually want and need. And it is not sustainable to play a role during your entire relationship with someone, so it’s best to nip that expectation in the bud early.

3. Avoiding Vulnerability

Shame makes vulnerability feel like a threat. If you’ve ever stopped yourself from opening up because you’re afraid of judgment, rejection, or looking “weak,” you’re not alone. Many people who carry shame have a deep fear of being truly seen because they worry that if someone really knew them, they’d be deemed unlovable. This fear can keep you stuck in surface-level relationships and disconnected from genuine intimacy. The reality is vulnerability offers a pathway toward mutual trust, deeper intimacy, and necessary repair during conflict — all things that are required for healthy, long-lasting relationships.

4. Harsh Self-Criticism

When you hear your inner dialogue, what does it sound like? If it sounds like an unrelenting drill sergeant (or a cruel adult from childhood), constantly pointing out your flaws, mistakes, and shortcomings, that’s shame. Shame manifests as an internal critic that tells you you’re not doing enough, being enough, or that you’ll never measure up. Over time, this inner dialogue becomes so familiar that it feels like truth, rather than the distortion that it is. Just because it’s loud, doesn’t mean it’s true.

5. Procrastination and Self-Sabotage

As we discussed, shame can be sneaky. It doesn’t just make you feel bad; it can actively hold you back, almost feeling like it’s holding you hostage. If you find yourself procrastinating on projects, avoiding opportunities, or self-sabotaging when things are going well, shame is likely playing a role. When you believe deep down that you’re not worthy of success or happiness, you may unconsciously create situations that reinforce that belief. 

6. Feeling Like an Imposter

Ever accomplished something great and immediately thought, “I don’t actually deserve this?” Imposter syndrome is shame’s best disguise. It convinces you that your success is a fluke, that you’re just lucky, or that eventually, people will “find out” you’re a fraud. This can keep you from fully owning your achievements and stepping confidently into your own abilities. And it reinforces perfectionism, because you never actually reach a point that’s good enough in your mind, instead continuing to reach and reach without acknowledging any wins along the way.

7. Struggling to Accept Compliments or Kindness

If someone gives you a compliment, do you brush it off, downplay it, or immediately deflect? Shame makes receiving kindness feel uncomfortable because, deep down, you might not fully believe you deserve it. If you grew up in an environment where love or praise was scarce, unexpected, or had strings attached, genuine appreciation from others can feel foreign or even suspicious. You can start challenging this pattern by practicing gracefully accepting a compliment as an act of kindness from someone else, whether you believe what they said or not.

If you resonate with any of these, here’s what I want you to know: Shame is a feeling, not a fact. What it tells you is not automatically true. You can learn new ways of thinking and eliminate deeply rooted self-criticism over time.

Here are a few ways to start addressing shame and loosening its grip:

Bring it to the surface. Because shame teaches you that you aren’t enough, or are a burden, or are inherently wrong, it thrives in silence. It wants to isolate you. Therefore, talking about shame — with a therapist, a trusted friend, or even journaling — can begin to take away its power.

Challenge the narrative. When shame tells you you’re not enough, ask yourself: Whose voice is this? Often, your inner critic is just an echo of past experiences, not an accurate reflection of reality. Another great question to ask yourself: “What is the function of shaming myself right now?” Shame can easily become an ingrained habit that you perform on autopilot, but challenging that pattern and reminding yourself that nothing helpful comes from self-criticizing can help redirect your brain.

Practice self-compassion. This one is especially hard because folks dealing with shame often don’t feel that they deserve compassion. But that’s simply not true — we are all inherently worthy of compassion. Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? If not, it’s time to rewrite the script. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer someone you love. You don’t even have to believe the kind words right away, but remind your brain that there are other ways to think, that there are more options than just criticism.

Take small, brave steps. Shame wants you to stay small. Pushing back — whether it’s setting a boundary, allowing yourself to be imperfect without the side of self-judgment, or accepting a compliment — can start rewiring your beliefs about yourself. Again, it’s less about believing the inner dialogue at this stage and more about advocating for yourself (yes, even TO yourself!). Teach shame that while it may be loud, it cannot control you.

Healing from shame isn’t about becoming someone new — you can think of it as remembering who you were before shame convinced you that you weren’t enough, and building on that foundation instead. We are all just humans trying our best out here. You are inherently worthy of all the same rights and liberties as anyone else, kindness and compassion included. 

For more guidance on navigating shame, check out this blog post.