The Difference Between Guilt + Shame — and How to Handle Each
As an anxiety + trauma therapist, SO many of my clients struggle with guilt and shame. And I’ve been there, too.
Many folks use these terms interchangeably — and they are closely related — but they are, in fact, different. While both emotions can develop when we feel bad about something, and they can even exist simultaneously, the beliefs we internalize about ourselves are different depending on whether we’re experiencing guilt or shame.
What is guilt?
Guilt is the feeling we get when we believe we have done something wrong. This might feel like responsibility, remorse, or regret related to some (real or imagined) wrongdoing. The key to understanding guilt is recognizing that it is tied to a specific action, behavior, or choice.
This means that in moderation, guilt can be a healthy and adaptive part of growth that leads to more productive behavior, such as owning up to mistakes or making amends. Guilt can present opportunities for corrective experiences which help us learn accountability, empathy, and self-forgiveness. While we don't want to get stuck in a spiral of guilt, it can be a normal and natural part of life.
What is shame?
Shame is the pervasive feeling of unworthiness, often from experiencing a conscious awareness of something that makes us believe that we are less than or not good enough. Like guilt, this could arise from doing something that we feel bad about. Shame usually has an additional layer, though — the belief that it’s not just about this one thing you did, but that you, as a person, are inherently flawed.
Shame goes beyond specific actions and permeates our sense of self. Shame often stems from internalized societal or cultural expectations and when we feel like we don’t measure up, it can lead to isolation and disconnection from others.
And it’s often paralyzing.
Want to advance your career? With shame, you might experience such intense imposter syndrome that you end up performing worse. Trying to date? With shame, you might believe that you’re unworthy of love. Want to try a new hobby? With shame, you might feel like an idiot for even trying something new and quit before you start.
Unlike guilt, shame is never productive. Shame often leads to a spiral of distressing, self-defeating, and critical views about oneself and it's REALLY hard to break out of those beliefs.
Basically, guilt and shame look like this:
🚫 Guilt says: "I did something bad" or "I feel bad about what I did."
❌ Shame says: "I am bad."
🚫 Guilt says: "I feel bad for saying something mean when I was upset and I’d like to apologize.”
❌ Shame says: "I am such a selfish, ungrateful idiot for saying something mean when I was upset. I don’t deserve this person.”
Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors ("I think", "I feel", and "I did/didn't") are temporary, and we can move on from them.
Core beliefs about self ("I am"), on the other hand, feel permanent.
So, while we can move forward from feeling guilty, shame usually sits somewhere deep inside of us and festers there.
Why do we experience guilt and shame?
Both guilt and shame are rooted in our humanistic desire for acceptance, belonging, and connection with others.
Again, guilt can have an adaptive function that reminds us of our responsibility to maintain positive relationships by behaving in ways that align with our social norms and values. Guilt often arises from a violation of those societal norms and values. We experience guilt because we feel remorse for having caused harm to someone else (even unintentionally) or doing something we regret. It can serve as a moral compass, prompting us to recognize our mistakes and take steps towards making things right.
Shame, on the other hand, often originates from early experiences of criticism, rejection, or humiliation, and is part of an overarching story we believe about ourselves. It is usually tied to a fear of rejection and the belief that we are not good enough to be accepted by others. Shame can develop from external comparisons, societal pressures, or cultural expectations. Folks who have experienced trauma or abuse are also likely to feel shame as part of the messaging they received during those experiences.
So, how do you deal with guilt or shame?
1. Cultivate self-forgiveness.
Holding onto guilt from the past, or feeling an undercurrent of shame as you move through your daily life, obviously takes a toll on your well-being. It’s okay to feel bad about something you’ve done, especially if that doesn’t align with the version of yourself you want to be, but self-forgiveness is the only path forward.
With guilt, self-forgiveness might come easier if you’re able to take accountability or make amends in the situation. When that’s possible, I encourage folks to do that! But if it’s not possible, for whatever reason, it’s still important to allow yourself space to process your feelings and work toward forgiving yourself.
When shame comes into play, you might believe that you don’t deserve to be forgiven. My challenge to you is to try anyway. Staying stuck in an unhelpful cycle of self-punishment doesn’t get you anywhere, and it doesn’t right any wrongs you think you’ve made. Remember this: Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have at any given time. Our behaviors and choices are a direct reflection of the resources we have available to us. You didn’t know what you know now. Treating yourself with compassion won’t magically enable you to behave terribly in the future — it will actually give you more space to evolve.
Practice self-forgiveness by letting go of the past and focusing on building a positive future. Engage in self-care activities, nurture your passions, and set realistic goals. By investing in self-growth and building a more fulfilling life, you can gradually heal from guilt and shame and cultivate a sense of self-acceptance.
2. Identify your triggers — and their origins.
For one thing, understanding what tends to trigger guilt or shame can help you better prepare for situations where you might be confronted with those feelings. You can then identify a plan for how to manage those uncomfortable feelings in the moment.
More than that, though, is the ability to understand where those feelings originate from and how that continues to impact you. What are the common themes or patterns, and when did you first start experiencing them? Are there specific triggers that consistently lead to these emotions? Did someone teach you to believe this about yourself? By becoming aware of these triggers, you can start unraveling their origins and the underlying beliefs or expectations that contribute to guilt and shame.
For example, let's say you often feel guilty when setting boundaries with others. Upon reflection, you realize that this guilt stems from a deeply ingrained belief that saying "no" or prioritizing your needs is selfish — and maybe this was taught to you by an emotionally immature parent or ex-partner. This realization allows you to challenge and reframe this belief. You recognize that self-care and asserting your boundaries are essential for your well-being and that it's not selfish but rather an act of self-love.
Bonus question: Ask yourself if the person who taught you these beliefs is actually a reliable narrator. Chances are, you don’t trust them anymore. Instead of allowing their narrative to perpetuate shame, perhaps you can let go of their idea of who you are or who you should be.
3. Challenge negative or unhelpful beliefs.
The human brain is flawed in that our automatic, most reactive thoughts are often negative, unhelpful, and inaccurate. What’s the story you tell yourself when you experience guilt or shame? When something happens, you might immediately think, “Ohhh, I regret doing that” or “I feel awful for saying that.” That’s guilt. You could also have automatic thoughts like “I’m such a shitty friend” or “I don’t deserve good things.” That’s shame.
All of these thought patterns are negative. Those last two are also unhelpful.
This distinction matters because someone experiencing shame might believe they are deserving of negative thoughts, but my question then is: how is this helpful?!? Is it truly motivating you to make meaningful change? Is it encouraging you to be better? For me, the answer is no. Shame spirals = self-critical stories = hopelessness = giving up. Objectively not helpful.
Guilt and shame are often fueled by self-critical and distorted thinking patterns that can intensify your negative self-perceptions. Instead of accepting these thoughts as absolute truths or evidence that you aren’t good enough, you can challenge them. By actively challenging these negative thoughts, you can gain a more balanced, compassionate, and most importantly, helpful perspective.
I encourage my clients to explore reframes that are more balanced (aka not all-or-nothing, because the human experience doesn’t fit into boxes), realistic (just because you FEEL bad, doesn’t mean you ARE bad), and helpful (telling myself I “should” be XYZ or else I’m a failure doesn’t actually tell me how to get to XYZ).
Ask yourself: “Is it fair to label myself as a complete failure based on one mistake? Have I never done something right before? Is it reasonable to expect myself to never make mistakes? Is this one incident indicative of my overall worth as a person?” And be curious about where that takes you.
4. Practice compassionate self-talk.
After you’ve practiced challenging negative or unhelpful thinking, this comes next. Compassionate self-talk involves using empathetic language towards yourself — and it can only happen once you decide to stop judging yourself. Folks who experience guilt and shame might feel undeserving of compassion, but at the end of the day, staying stuck in a cycle of shameful self-criticism really doesn’t get you anywhere.
Instead of berating yourself for past actions or wallowing in shame, compassionate self-talk encourages a gentler approach. It involves acknowledging your feelings without judgment and offering yourself grace. Think about how you might talk to your most cherished loved ones. Would you tell them, “Yeah, you suck and should feel like shit about this?” I would hope not. Try talking to yourself the same way you would talk to a friend coming to you for support.
By using compassionate self-talk in moments of guilt and shame, you shift your mindset from self-condemnation to self-acceptance, which opens the door for growth and evolution. When you choose to counteract self-criticism, you can then foster a more supportive and nurturing inner dialogue, helping you become empowered to make more aligned choices.
5. Utilize your social resources (rather than withdrawing from them).
It can feel tempting to withdraw from your social community when you’re experiencing guilt or shame — especially if those emotions are related to a situation involving someone else. Part of the experience of guilt and shame often includes feeling like “too much” to others. However, confiding in a trusted loved one can help provide valuable perspective and alleviate the burden of holding your feelings inside. Seeking professional support, like speaking to a therapist, is also a great tool for navigating these complex emotions.
