5 Ways Perfectionism Is Holding You Back In Your Personal and Professional Life (And What to Do Instead)
To all my fellow recovering perfectionists, this one’s for you.
Picture this: You arrive at work, already bracing for the day ahead. As soon as you log onto your computer, you're bombarded with unexpected issues: a project deadline has been moved up, your presentation has missing slides, and your inbox is a maze of urgent emails demanding immediate attention. In an attempt to juggle these tasks, you dive headfirst into problem-solving mode, but the pressure to perform perfectly minimizes your ability to be detail-oriented and magnifies each mistake that occurs. A typo in an email feels catastrophic. A minor miscommunication with a colleague over a project detail feels like a glaring failure. In your mind, these are not just simple errors; they are evidence of your incompetence.
Then, you go home — tired AF after that emotionally exhausting day — and start prepping dinner. You’re following a new-ish recipe, and add the wrong amount of seasoning. The chicken is way too salty now. In your mind, it’s absolutely unsalvageable. After a long day of feeling bad about yourself at work, you now also feel bad about yourself at home. Your partner tries to comfort you, and provide guidance on how you can salvage the chicken, but you lash out because you’re embarrassed about your mistake. You have what feels like an over-reactive response (even though this is just your nervous system predictably reacting to feeling overwhelmed by lots of little negative stimuli throughout the day) which makes you feel even worse, and now you feel guilty too. Unable to cope, you abandon your dinner, run to your bedroom, and cry.
Yep, this pattern sucks. It’s time to break it.
A quick recap on perfectionism ...
As you probably know, perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of, well, perfection. This often comes with some fun side effects:
But here’s the thing. Even though it can quickly become unhealthy, there’s a reason why some folks become perfectionists. The truth is, perfectionism has a function. It can help you reach your potential, motivate you to excel, and provide positive self-worth when you accomplish something. And the traits of perfectionism are often seen by others in a positive light — diligence, attention to detail, a good work ethic — so you likely receive praise for your accomplishments, which only fuels the cycle.
Unfortunately, though, the perfectionist is often miserable inside. The problem, of course, is that most of us don’t know how to find balance between those positive effects and the really negative ones — like constantly feeling inadequate, talking shit about yourself, believing that your only value is your productivity, and being super fearful of what others think about you. Perfectionism inevitably leads to excessively high standards, paired with a deeply rooted fear of making mistakes and a tendency to equate errors with personal failure. Sounds exhausting, right?
Here are 5 ways perfectionism is holding you back in your personal and professional life, and what to do instead:
1. Fear of failure
You're so afraid of making mistakes that you might not even start a project or pursue a new relationship, leading to missed opportunities and stifled growth.
At work, the fear of failure can prevent you from taking on tasks that challenge your current skill set or require venturing into unfamiliar territory. Worrying about making mistakes and potentially damaging your professional reputation often leads to inaction instead of risking perceived failure. This avoidance of risk, driven by the fear of failure, is a cycle that ends up stifling your professional growth and reinforcing the fear (because you don’t feel like you’re doing enough). In your personal life, this might show up as a reluctance to embark on new relationships or pursue personal interests. You might shy away from meeting new people, fearing rejection or not living up to expectations, and miss out on potential friendships or romantic connections. If you’re worried about not being immediately proficient or facing criticism in new hobbies or activities, you’re more likely to avoid trying new things and therefore feeling unfulfilled. The comfort of familiar routines might seem safe, but it also restricts the joy and fulfillment that come from overcoming challenges and embracing the unknown aspects of life.
What to do instead: It is imperative to understand that mistakes will happen, inevitably, throughout your life. As humans, we naturally will forget something or make erroneous decisions at times. So, instead of viewing unavoidable mistakes as personal failures, they can become opportunities to learn and grow. This shift in perspective can open doors in both your career and personal life, encouraging you to take risks that lead to growth. There are many aspects of life that require risk, so avoiding it completely won’t bring you fulfillment or satisfaction. In addition to challenging the black-and-white thinking that often comes with perfectionism, I recommend repeating a few affirmations or mantras about this (“It’s okay to make a mistake sometimes” or (“Even when I make a mistake, I have value and I’m not a failure”).
2. Procrastination
The pressure to deliver something perfect can be so overwhelming that you put off tasks indefinitely, leading to stress, anxiety, and a pile-up of work or unresolved personal issues.
At work, decision-making becomes a struggle, due to fear of making the wrong choice or doing something incorrectly. The overwhelming pressure to produce flawless work can lead to a cycle of postponing tasks indefinitely, hoping for a burst of inspiration to be able to do something perfectly. This habit of waiting for the perfect moment results in mounting deadlines, increased stress, and a backlog of work that seems insurmountable. Of course, as tasks accumulate, so does anxiety, creating a vicious cycle that not only affects productivity but also takes a toll on mental well-being. In your personal life, this results in a growing list of unaccomplished goals — often personal projects to complete, healthy habits to implement, or hobbies to try — but also fosters feelings of stress and self-doubt. Relationships may suffer as commitments are put off, and promises go unfulfilled, eroding trust and intimacy.
What to do instead: Practice making decisions within reasonable timeframes, trust your instincts, and accept that not every choice will be flawless. Establish attainable goals that align with your values and priorities, then break those larger tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. This approach will help you maintain motivation, stay focused, and experience a sense of accomplishment along the way. By focusing on progress rather than perfection, you'll find yourself more productive and less inclined to procrastinate.
3. Overwhelm and burnout
To any other recovering perfectionists, this one is no surprise, but it’s still easy to get caught up in the cycle and forget that burnout is nearly inevitable when there is a relentless drive to meet unrealistic expectations. Striving for perfection in every aspect of your life can will lead to chronic stress, overwhelm, and eventually burnout.
At work, you might find yourself perpetually tethered to your desk, slogging through extended hours trying to tackle an ever-growing workload in a procrastination cycle. This unsustainable pace and pressure can lead to irritability, chronic fatigue, feeling apathetic about work, and decreased productivity. In your personal life, it’s easy to neglect your physical and mental wellness, such as sacrificing sleep, leisure activities, and healthy coping mechanisms. Those same burnout symptoms can cause resentment or dread in your relationships and hobbies, which can have long-term detrimental effects on your overall quality of life.
What to do instead: Prioritize self-care activities that promote relaxation, mindfulness, and stress reduction. Make time for activities and people that replenish your energy and bring you joy. Learn to say no when needed and set clear boundaries around your time and energy. This balance is crucial for maintaining your well-being and ensuring that you have the resilience to pursue your goals over the long term.
4. Lower self-esteem
Perfectionists tie their self-worth to external achievements and flawless performance, so any perceived failure or imperfection can severely impact their self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, critical self-talk, and a persistent fear of judgment.
At work, perfectionism leads to constant comparisons to others and harsh self-criticism. This might manifest as a reluctance to share ideas in meetings, for fear you won't measure up to colleagues' contributions, or fear of judgment from your team. As part of this cycle of low self-esteem, you might shy away from challenging projects or leadership roles, doubting your capabilities. This lack of confidence can lead to overworking as you strive to compensate for perceived inadequacies — but you never feel like your efforts are sufficient. In your personal life, you might become your own harshest critic, focusing on your flaws and preventing you from pursuing new interests or forming new relationships. You might constantly seek validation in your relationships to assuage your insecurities but find it never enough to quell the self-doubt. This pattern of seeking perfection, comparing yourself unfavorably to others, and engaging in negative self-talk is an endless cycle trap.
What to do instead: It’s important to recognize that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Practicing empathy towards yourself, and being flexible in your expectations, can help cultivate a wider perspective and improve your self-esteem. The other piece is to recognize and challenge the negative self-talk associated with perfectionism. Replace self-critical thoughts with more realistic and compassionate ones. (For more tips on how to do that, check out this post.) Celebrate progress, effort, and small wins,, rather than fixating solely on the end result.
5. Stifled creativity
The fear of producing something less than perfect can stifle your creativity, preventing you from experimenting with new ideas or expressing yourself freely in personal and professional projects.
At work, perfectionism is a double-edged sword that not only stifles creativity but also decreases productivity. You might spend excessive time on tasks, obsessing over minute details that do not significantly impact the overall quality of work, delaying project timelines and diminishing your ability to meet deadlines efficiently. Perfectionism often leads to a reluctance to propose novel ideas or solutions, for fear that these suggestions will not be perfect or will be met with criticism, so you stifle your own creativity to avoid that. In your personal life, this might look like an inability to start new projects due to the fear that the outcome won't meet your high standards, getting bogged down in details, making every decision seem monumental and every action prone to scrutiny, or avoiding personal growth opportunities (such as taking up a new hobby or class or learning a new skill).
What to do instead: Creativity and experimentation are crucial for both professional and personal growth.. Give yourself permission to explore, create, and try things without expectation or over-reliance on the end result. Set aside time for free, unstructured brainstorming or creative pursuits without any goal other than to enjoy the process. This can lead to unexpected discoveries and innovative solutions that would never emerge from a perfectionist mindset.
Shifting away from perfectionism doesn't mean lowering your standards or accepting mediocrity. Instead, it's about embracing a more compassionate, realistic approach to life that recognizes progress. By recognizing the ways in which perfectionism affects you and implementing strategies to break free, you can cultivate a healthier mindset, reduce stress, enhance relationships, and foster personal growth.
Remember, the goal is not to be perfect but to be bravely and beautifully human.
