Signs of Relationship Codependency — And What to Do About It

Jan 21

Today I want to talk about relationship codependency. It’s one of those buzzwords that gets tossed around casually, but do you know what it really looks like in practice?

Codependency is an imbalanced relationship dynamic where one person (the “giver”) continually sacrifices their own needs to meet those of the other person (the “taker”). Boundaries get blurry, roles get rigid, and both people end up enmeshed for alllllll the wrong reasons.

This dynamic can show up in any kind of relationship — romantic partnerships, friendships, family relationships, even professional dynamics with a boss or coworker. In fact, many people don’t realize that codependency isn’t just a romantic issue; it can impact virtually any connection where one person feels the need to be everything to someone else at the expense of themselves.

So, how do you know if you’re in a codependent relationship? Here are a few red flags to watch for:

You feel responsible for other people’s emotions, often stepping in to “fix” their problems
You have a hard time saying no, even when it means sacrificing your own needs or wants
You feel guilty or anxious when doing something for yourself
Your self-worth feels tied to being needed, valued, or appreciated by someone else
You avoid conflict at all costs, fearing that speaking up will lead to rejection or abandonment
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, constantly trying to manage someone else’s mood or behavior
You feel uncomfortable or scared being alone
You over-function in relationships — taking care of everything, even things the other person could (or should) handle themselves
You struggle with boundaries, often feeling guilty for setting them or enforcing them
You neglect your own needs and desires, often to the point where you don’t even know what they are anymore

This isn't an exhaustive list, of course, but if you said “Yikes” to more than one of these, it may be worth looking into your relationship dynamics. Codependent tendencies can sneak up on anyone, especially if you were raised in environments where these behaviors were normalized (we’ll get to that in a bit).

Why Codependency Is Unhealthy

Although this type of relationship is often romanticized in media as “deep” or “intense,” it’s not something to strive for. The goal is to cultivate a healthy, equitable relationship involving trust and mutual support.⁣ Here’s why they’re actually quite harmful for both parties:

Codependency often stems from trauma or dysfunctional family dynamics. The giver in a codependent relationship may have learned early on that their needs weren’t as important as others’ or that their worth came from taking care of people. Perhaps saying “yes” all the time and “fixing” others’ problems was their way of staying safe, but in adult relationships, it doesn’t serve them anymore.
It fosters unhealthy self-worth. For the giver, self-esteem becomes tied to how needed or indispensable they are. It’s less about who they are as a person and more about what they can do for others.
Boundaries are nonexistent. Without clear boundaries, resentment builds, needs go unmet, and both parties end up dissatisfied. It also makes communication difficult because one or both parties become anxious about having open, honest communication during conflict. This is how healthy relationships create repair, so it’s quite detrimental to the relationship.
It perpetuates enabling behaviors. The giver often enables the taker’s unhealthy behaviors, whether that’s emotional dependence, irresponsibility, or even addiction. They also tend to take on more roles and responsibilities in the relationship out of fear of rejection or abandonment, leading to burnout and other mental and physical health issues.
It creates insecure attachment styles. This dynamic can reinforce feelings of anxiety and fear, leaving both people stuck in a cycle of neediness, insecurity, and avoidance.

Like most relational patterns, codependency often has roots in childhood. Overprotective parenting, in which your caregivers coddled you to the point where you were never taught independence, can create learned helplessness as an adult, or feeling incapable of handling things on your own (this person usually develops into the “taker” role). On the flip side, if you were parentified or thrust into the role of caretaker for your parents, you might have grown up into the “giver” role by always needing to meet your parents’ needs or provide emotional support that was beyond your scope as a child. This teaches you that you need to perform in this way in relationships because that’s where you perceive your value and safety to come from. Also, growing up in a household with addiction, abuse, or neglect can teach you to focus on survival — often by monitoring and meeting others’ needs while ignoring your own. These early experiences shape how we relate to others as adults.

How to Break the Cycle of Codependency

If you’ve recognized codependent tendencies in your relationships, don’t panic. Awareness is the first step toward change. Here are three strategies to start breaking free from codependency:

1. Explore Your Own Needs

One hallmark of codependency is that it pulls your focus away from yourself and onto others. You may not even realize what your own needs are anymore because you’ve spent so much time catering to everyone else. Take a step back and ask yourself: What do I actually need or want right now? For example, if you feel compelled to avoid disappointing someone, pause and reflect. Is your real need to avoid conflict at all costs, at the expense of continued tension and dissatisfaction? Or is it to express your feelings honestly so resentment doesn’t build?

Codependency often stems from anxiety — that nagging sense of “What will happen if I don’t do this for them?” Practice sitting with that discomfort instead of rushing to “fix” things. Slowing down and tuning into your own needs can help you respond more intentionally.

2. Reality-Check Your Thoughts

Much of codependent behavior is fueled by fear-based or catastrophic thinking. Thoughts like “If I don’t do this, they’ll leave me” can feel overwhelming, but they’re not usually rooted in reality.

Practice challenging these thoughts:

What evidence do you have that this fear is true?
If the worst-case scenario happens, would that be the end of the world?
What is within your control in this situation?

Codependency thrives on taking responsibility for things you can’t control — like someone else’s feelings or reactions. Instead, focus on what is within your control: your own choices, boundaries, and communication. For more tips on challenging these unhelpful thoughts, check out this post.

3. Practice Healthy Selfishness

Here’s a hot take: Being a little selfish is not a bad thing.

Codependency often teaches us that prioritizing ourselves is selfish, wrong, or even shameful. But healthy relationships actually require both people to have their own needs, wants, interests, and boundaries.

Start small:

Say no to an event or obligation that drains you.
Speak up about what you want to do, even if it’s different from what others want.
Treat yourself to something that brings you joy, without guilt.

Think of selfishness as a spectrum. At one end, you have toxic selfishness — where someone consistently disregards others’ needs. At the other, you have codependent selflessness — where someone disregards their own needs entirely. The sweet spot is somewhere in the middle, where you’re able to honor both yourself and others.

Breaking free from codependency isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Remember, you are a whole, valuable person independent of any relationship. When you start showing up for yourself, you’ll naturally attract healthier, more balanced relationships.